What I Chose to Leave Behind

Books can represent signposts on my spiritual journey. I recently went over our bookshelves because they overflowed with books. They got to that point on account of the generosity of others who wanted to pass on books that we might like to read. I didn’t want the bookshelves to look so messy so I began a purge. I first asked God to show me which books I no longer needed so that I could bless other people.

There were books that had been significant at a particular stage in my spiritual journey. They had assisted me in attaining emotional and spiritual healing after a devastating event that changed the course of my life on many levels. I knew that certain wounds were no longer open and festering, but had healed over and were now scars. I had recently heard a teaching or read something that said we should be thankful for our scars because they mean we have been healed. I could definitely see that on a physical level because of the scar from my hysterectomy surgery when I had Ovarian Cancer. I thought again how Jesus retained the scars from His crucifixion after His resurrection. Scars were nothing to be ashamed of but rather to be celebrated as having made it!

The outward way that I purposely left behind the books I no longer needed was by donating them to the local thrift store. One of the books was a German textbook that I had from when I took a night course on conversational German before I was married over 35 years ago. I think that book and the releasing of it represented another aspect of me knowing who I am as an individual. I often held on to things, books included, because one day I might need it. God has, through the years, shown me how He provides the things I need and I can trust Him to show me what I can leave behind.

(This was written in response to a prompt for my writers'group to write "about what got left behind on purpose")

Weighing the Worth of Expenses

I like to have the satisfaction of money well-spent. I like to have something worthwhile to show for the expense so I was not looking forward to spending money to remove a tree. I wasn’t gaining anything except peace of mind. The fir tree stood over 60 feet tall, right between two outbuildings – a shed and a studio. The last windstorm left the tree with a decidedly-curved trunk that was leaning toward the studio. It wouldn’t take much for the top portion of the tree to fall on the studio’s roof should we get another such windstorm.

We have had a similar tree removed in the past year because it was between the studio and our house. We feared it might fall on our roof or our neighbour’s roof so we made the decision to remove it along with the fir tree in our front yard that was dying. That was a big expense because we not only removed two trees, but we also had the roots removed from the front yard so that we could plant a new tree in its place.  We decided to plant a deciduous tree, Freeman Autumn Blaze Maple. 

It was quite a shock when the front fir tree was removed because our front porch was now visible from the street. We had been used to the privacy that the fir tree provided because of the breadth of its branches. When we first moved in we were able to string Christmas lights on it, but then it grew too tall for us to reach with our ladder. The one side of the tree that had a northern exposure suffered the most and it eventually looked pitiful because there was no new growth and the existing branches were dying.

In a way spending money can be similar to obeying God because we are spending our time. Sometimes we know that we should do something we don’t want to do because it will cost us our time or finances. We like to get something in return for what we have spent or expended. We are to be wise stewards of the resources we have whether financial or spiritual. This world and everything in it is passing away and there will be a new earth along with a new heaven. Although I may still have to spend money begrudgingly on something that does not satisfy, I look forward to when I will inherit that which is without cost, water from the spring of water of life that Jesus will give me.

“Come, all you who are thirsty, come to the waters; and you who have no money, come, buy and eat!

Come, buy wine and milk without money and without cost. Why spend money on what is not bread, and your labor on what does not satisfy? Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good and you will delight in the richest of fare. Give ear and come to me; listen, that you may live. I will make an everlasting covenant with you, my faithful love promised to David.” Isaiah 55:1-3 NIV

Then I saw “a new heaven and a new earth,” for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away. “He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!” Then he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true. “He said to me: “It is done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. To the thirsty I will give water without cost from the spring of the water of life. Those who are victorious will inherit all this, and I will be their God and they will be my children.” Revelation 21:1-7 NIV

Photos of Short Hair

To go along with my post "Short Hair - Part Two"

Short curly hair after chemo

Short wavy hair

Short Hair - Part Two

Hair or the lack thereof is an expression of our individuality. When I was undergoing chemotherapy and my hair began to fall out I found it very traumatic. When I had finished my chemo treatments and the hair began to grow again I longed for it to grow quickly so I would look like me again. My hair grew back curly and then the curls softened into waves when my hair grew longer. I recently discovered pictures of my hair from that time and I had wondered why I had not kept it that length since I liked how it looked.

I knew that I needed a haircut and I had to do something with my hair. I felt as if the long sides were like dog’s ears just hanging there. I would often play with my hair, twisting it while I watched TV. My husband had recently suggested that I get a modern hairstyle when I told him I was considering cutting my hair. I dared to have my hair cut short because it once was this short after I had chemo.

My daughter Joy is a hairstylist and I asked her what she would do with my hair if I was a client that came in to the hair salon. I said that she has the advantage of knowing me and my desire for a low-maintenance hairstyle. Knowing that my hair has a natural wave, Joy decided to razor cut it for a softer look.  At first she left the sides a bit longer so it was more like a wedge haircut and not as drastic a change, but I didn’t like how it looked so she cut them off and blended the sides in with the back. I still had a longer bang that I parted to the side. I decided to wash my hair so that the hair would just fall naturally and to see if I wanted to keep that longer bang or to go for a shorter fringe of bangs. After looking at myself in the mirror from different angles, I decided that I would have the shorter bangs.

I had a sense of sadness when I thought why I knew I could risk cutting my hair so short. As I thought about it I remembered how important it was for me to regain a normal life after having cancer, including having the same hairstyle as before. That was the reason I didn’t keep my hair short. Now I was making a choice to have short hair rather than just coping with hair regrowth.

I feel exposed with my hair so short almost as if I had been hiding behind my same safe hairstyle. My earlobes, cheekbones and neck are now more noticeable.  I don’t feel different inside, but when I walk past a mirror I am surprised at how different I look. It is a drastic change but one that I shall embrace as Part Two in having short hair.

Outdoor Sounds From An Open Window

Hum of a lawnmower

Tweeting of birds

Chirping

Trilling

Low sound of tires spinning on pavement;

as time goes on the volume increases.

Dog barking

Road construction

Metal clinking, scraping

Sounds like a giant stapler

Loud humming like a drone

Sirens – Police? Fire?

GO train’s horn blows announcing it is coming to town

Children walking home from school – talking

A man walking a dog stops to talk with someone

 and is warned about another dog on a different street

Rain sounding like persistent dripping as it hits the eaves trough and downspout

Horn beeps as a car is locked

Beeping as a truck backs up

Something MYSTERIOUS

The topic for this month's writers' group was "Something mysterious". I had the idea of doing an acrostic which would include something I think is a mystery for every letter of the word mysterious.

Movie genre - could be murder mystery

Y & X chromosomes – what determines the combinations?     
Spiritual rebirth – how it happens

Taste preferences – why some people like rock music while others prefer country music

Evolutionary “gaps” – if evolution is true – what about the missing links?

Recollection of memories – why we remember random memories and not others

Interpol – warning on DVD’s about prosecution by Interpol, yet who are they?

Outer space – we haven’t found the end of it, there is still much to discover
U.F.O.s – none on display at museums that I know

Sizing variations – why a size medium is not the same fit in every garment

Life Lessons

A phrase from a song was going over in my mind “my will to live is for You”. It is from the song You Surround Me by Brian Doerksen on the album You Shine. I was thinking how God does surround me. He gives me the will to live; and not to just live, but live for Him. The words for the song include the Gaelic words and their translation. The English phrase is “my whole will to live is for You, You’ve awakened me to know” the translation of the Gaelic is “You gave meaning and sense to my life; You’ve awakened my heart”. I can’t live “my life” without God. My life can be my physical life or all that transpires in my life.

A few years ago I celebrated my 50^th birthday. I did not have any regret or anxiety to have reached such an age. I was thankful to be alive. I have been cancer-free since April 2008. I am a cancer survivor. It does not define me entirely, but it is like a frame in which the rest of what makes me “me” is displayed. I say that it is a frame because I cannot erase the past, nor undo the consequences. Yet cancer does not direct my life.

I cannot explain why God healed me and others have not been healed. I am thankful for God’s mercy, grace and compassion toward me. I was listening to a song about God showing up and I thought, “He did! He healed me!” I started to cry because I realized that I had been afraid that I would die when I was first diagnosed with cancer. It seemed like a death sentence. I even had to battle fear of dying when I went for the operation. I had such a sense of gratefulness to God for preserving my life and healing me from ovarian cancer.

I was seeking the Lord as to what my response was to be concerning a woman from our church who was on life support. I was to look to the Lord; keep my eyes on Jesus. Just like the Israelites had to look at the bronze snake on the pole. I was not to look at anyone else as a sign of God’s plan or faithfulness to me personally. I was to continue trusting God to restore me and strengthen me. She was in God’s hands. I was in God’s hands. My life does not need to impact hundreds. I only need to be faithful to God and obedient to Him. The word God gave to me is “Follow Me.” The story about Peter asking Jesus about John had come to mind. I sensed God saying to me about that woman dying – “What is that to you? “You must follow Me.”

I was again feeling burdened to do something big for God or to have “great impact on others”. A former co-host on 100 Huntley Street , was diagnosed with a malignant brain tumour. I was feeling guilty or condemned that God had healed me and what did I have to show for it? As I read an update I heard God say to me in my spirit, “Do you trust Me? I am in control”. My eyes were opened to see that I am faithful to use the gifts, talents and abilities God has given me. God does not require of me to do more or to be something that I am not. It is by God’s grace and mercy that I have been spared. I need to continue to follow Jesus, no matter what happens to anyone else who is, or seems to be, more gifted than me. God is sovereign and He has a plan for each of us individually including the fact that these women were not healed in this life. I can still thank God that He healed me, while thanking Him that these women are now with Him. It is not pride or arrogance. I have never felt that I deserved to live or that I was more worthy or special. I am blown away by the intervention of God. I believed that He would heal me and He did.

Recently I shared about my health tests and how I struggled with already having my quota of miracles. It isn’t that I consciously thought that, but God exposed that lie.  One morning words from a song came to mind and I was singing them – “choose to be a blessing for life”. It is from the song “The Blessing” by Troy Denning. I think that this is part of my life’s passion – that I would be a blessing for life. My heart belongs to Jesus. I will speak the words of life. I want to leave behind a legacy of blessing for life. I see now through this episode of unsure health issues that I want to choose to be a blessing for life. I choose life. I don’t want to die. I want to live. It is not selfish or self-seeking to want to live and not die. I desire to continue to be a blessing to others. I am grateful to God for the way He intervenes in my life.

[I wrote the above post in response to the Writers' Nest monthly topic. God had impressed upon me these "Life Lessons", which I have gleaned from my journals kept over the past seven years.]

A Sailing Metaphor

At times I could compare my life to sailing. There are times when life is going along smoothly. There are birds in the sky; the sun is shining; there is a gentle breeze. I know the direction in which I am headed and it is mostly effortless. I am propelled by the winds of the Spirit. I might have to make some minor adjustments in my behaviour or attitudes, but mostly I am being carried along; gliding across the water, hardly creating any waves. I am not in a hurry; I am enjoying the journey. I soak up the sun and feel the soft breeze on my cheek. I have to go with the wind. My sails are raised high and they are full of the Spirit.

Some days it is too windy or wavy to sail. Other days the air is so still that I am tempted to wonder, “Where are you God? Don’t you know that I want to sail? I want my sails to be filled with the winds of Your Spirit and not the winds of adversity.” If I attempt to go out on a windy day I will be tossed about by the wind and waves. I will have to strain with all my might to right myself and to keep on course. I don’t want to be dashed on the rocks. Sometimes I need to find a safe bay and shelter there until the storm is past. 

It is hard to wait on God. Once I have experienced the freedom of sailing on open water I feel confined sitting in the harbour. I know that others want to make sure that I am seaworthy. They don’t want me to become a casualty at sea. I need to trust that the Master shipbuilder is in control. He is the Harbour Master.

“So don’t be so surprised when I tell you that you have to be ‘born from above’—out of this world, so to speak. You know well enough how the wind blows this way and that. You hear it rustling through the trees, but you have no idea where it comes from or where it’s headed next. That’s the way it is with everyone ‘born from above’ by the wind of God, the Spirit of God.” John 3:7 (MSG)

“My help and glory are in God —granite-strength and safe-harbor-God— so trust him absolutely, people; lay your lives on the line for him. God is a safe place to be.” Psalm 62:7 (MSG)

Family Day Weekend Snippets

Frequent communication with family members
A desire for diagnosis and proper care for ..
Mother-in-law in hospital
Ice-fishing trip today with father and son, and a friend
Looked after daughter's dog for an afternoon while she visited a friend
Yesterday saw ultrasound pictures of our future grandchild

Dinner celebrating our daughter-in-law's birthday
All my children together
Yet my son-in-law was unable to join us as he had to work

Obeying God's Leading

A new interdenominational Bible study session was starting at the end of January, but I had sensed that I was not to be a part of this. At the time I didn't have anything else that I was going to do in its place so I needed to trust God was leading me and I was praying for Him to use my spiritual gifts.

In early January I was impacted by the Lord during the Sunday morning service. I sensed His touch, but I did not yet have an impression or direction. On account of this sense of God's touch I decided to go to the church for "In The Stillness", which is a time of worship, prayer and waiting on God. As I sat before the Lord two phrases came to mind a couple of minutes apart. "He restores my soul" and "Be still my soul". I found three verses from the Bible that went along with those phrases - Psalm 37:7; Psalm 46:10; Zechariah 2:13. As I meditated on them and the phrases God had spoken to me I wrote down my impressions.

I need to wait patiently for the Lord; the Lord is the One who will do it. He is to be exalted through my life. It is not in my own strength. He will restore to me what the enemy has stolen. He will restore my soul as I wait upon Him. The Lord has roused Himself; He will act on my behalf. I don't need to strive. He will lead me in the way I should go.

Ten days later God brought to my mind what He had said to me several years ago regarding not getting tied into a ministry. I decided to read over the "words" as I have them in my dresser drawer. This one is from June 2006.

"I have not wanted you tied down to any one or to any ministry. I want you to go where I tell you; to speak to those I bring to you; to pray for those I lay upon your heart. I want you to be sensitive to My voice, listening for my plan, not thinking ahead, but living in each moment. Be watchful, be observant. Be sensitive to the prodding of My Spirit. Don't try to reason it out. Just step out in faith and I will show you the next step. I will lead you one step at a time. Don't try to second-guess when you have stepped out - leave the results to me. I will lead you and you will reap a harvest. You will see with your eyes and hear with your ears the results of all that you have sown. It might not be in the way you think, but it will surely come...."

I have felt as if I am in another time of dying to self. It is an ongoing process. The issue I am facing now is that it is not known that I was a Bible study leader; that I wrote my own studies; that I was an intercessor; that I ... My gifts are recognized, but I am treated as if I am beginning or need more experience. I think that God is allowing that so that I will be humble and not think more highly of myself than I ought.

I am now a part of a new Tuesday morning prayer group at my church and there are some new people who have recently come to our church that are also taking part. After this week's prayer meeting I was talking with two of them. Our pastor is going through the book of 1 Corinthians and will be offering a course on the spiritual gifts on Sunday evenings starting in late March. Through the course of our conversation I had the idea of offering a daytime course on spiritual gifts since they both work nights. I mentioned the possibility to them and if a Thursday morning would work and they said it would. I told them I would need to get the pastor's approval and he was in a meeting so I couldn't give them a definite yes or no if that would happen. The secretary wrote a note with my idea and I received approval from the pastor the next day. I will be starting on February 27 as I want to allow a couple of weeks to announce this so that more people will be able to take part.

I knew that I wasn't supposed to be involved in the local Bible study this time because I wanted to use my spiritual gifts. I didn't have anything before me to do but I really sensed that I needed to obey God's leading. When I checked the local ministry's website I saw that course runs for 8 weeks and will still be on when I teach the spiritual gifts course.

Getting Lost & Then Finding My Self

I was prompted by a blog post to look at this topic [*] differently and apply it to my true self getting lost in the process of dying to self. I came to faith in Jesus when I was a young teenager. At the time I was beginning to discover and develop into who I was as an individual. I was taking university level courses with the aim in mind of pursuing further education. I also took a creative writing course one semester since I desired to write.  I took interpretive dance classes for several years and I even had an opportunity to do interpretive dance in a Christian setting which I enjoyed. We moved and then life got busy with work and church restrictions lessened the importance and desirability of dance classes.

There were two decisive factors which led me to forgo pursuing further education. We came under a legalistic method of living which precluded further education for women at a secular university. The second omen-like factor was that the number assigned to me for my university application included the numbers 666, which is the number of the antichrist. We were convinced that Jesus was coming soon and I did not want to do anything that would make me unworthy of escaping the Great Tribulation.

 Well about thirty years passed and I fulfilled a longing I had for further education by taking a bridging course for women which was sponsored by York University Women’s Program.  While I did well in that course I did not decide to pursue further education at that time. It satisfied my longing and validated my ability which was further confirmed when I was asked to write an essay about my experience taking this course. The program was celebrating their 25^th year with the publication of a book, which would contain essays by a few women from the hundreds who had taken this course. Taking this bridging course and doing well and then writing an essay for the book nudged me in the direction of pursuing writing; joining a writers’ group; and creating a blog.

Over the years I longed to have the opportunity to do creative dance again in the context of worship.  About seven years ago a young woman taught several dance workshops at my church. I enjoyed taking part and she invited me to be a part of a group of ladies who would do a liturgical dance at our church for the Christmas Eve service. I felt alive when I was taking part in this and while many people were surprised to see me dancing, they felt that I was good at it. One of the women in the group encouraged me to take adult ballet classes at a local dance studio where the young woman taught classes. After my first dance class some of the women commented that I was a natural and that they could tell that I once took dance. That was an encouragement to me and I continued to take the classes for another full year. I had the opportunity to perform in a special worship celebration service at a church the month before I was diagnosed with stage 3 Ovarian Cancer.

It has been a journey of discovering who I really am as an individual and what it means to deny myself as a follower of Christ. I now have a greater understanding that God created me to be creative, which includes the ability to write and to dance. I am still learning to deny myself by not giving in to selfishness and allowing the Holy Spirit to express the fruit of the Spirit in my life. I now realize that both statements are not in conflict nor do they contradict each other. So I can be a woman who writes, dances, and exhibits the fruit of the Spirit, all to the glory of God.

* ["Getting Lost" was this evening's topic for the writers' group.]

My Ovarian Cancer Journey

Ovarian Cancer has been described as "the disease that whispers".  Looking back I heard the whispers, but I did not know what they meant. The summer of 2007 I noticed that I had a small "pot" that was hard, but I did not do anything about it. I thought that I would mention it when I had my physical in the fall. Others had noticed my "pot", but at the time had only thought I had gained some weight. While we were at a cottage, I started to experience indigestion and bloating. I went to my family doctor when I returned home. She had initially thought that I might have a blocked intestine so she put me on stool softeners and a laxative; and she arranged for me to see a bowel specialist.

I was becoming increasingly uncomfortable as my abdomen increased in size. My husband took me to Emergency. The attending doctor was uninformed about Ovarian Cancer so he suggested that maybe I was pregnant and did not know it. When it was discovered that I had had ultrasounds earlier in the week, the staff were able to obtain the results, which recommended that I have a CAT scan.

On the following Monday my husband and I drove to Orillia. The bowel specialist told us that after looking at my ultrasounds I did not need his care as it was not a blocked intestine. We shared about our experience at Southlake and the recommendation for me to get a CAT scan. The doctor informed us that he was chief of staff at the Orillia hospital and he would personally arrange for me to have a CAT scan that day. He said he would also arrange to have the results immediately so he could personally direct us to the correct specialist. Finally we were getting somewhere!

My doctor obtained the written results the next day, and we met with her the following day to discuss the findings. By this time I was very uncomfortable and I was having trouble breathing. My husband insisted that something be done for me. My doctor arranged for me to go to Emergency at Southlake and the chief internist would examine me there. The specialist examined me and told me that they were going to admit me until they not only discovered what was causing this, but also began the appropriate treatment.

Several days later, I was visited by a nursing assistant from the oncology department and informed that I did have a tumour on my ovary. She talked in general terms and I did not expect that it would be serious. I thought that it might be only Stage I Ovarian Cancer. I asked her for information regarding Ovarian Cancer since I had never heard of it before that day.

Later that evening the oncologist came and informed me that I had Stage III Ovarian Cancer and that I would need to have my ovaries removed as well as a hysterectomy. She told me that I needed chemotherapy and that I would lose my hair. My husband and I met with the surgeon on a Wednesday, two weeks after I was first admitted to Southlake, and I began chemotherapy the next day as an inpatient. I was then released from the hospital the following day and I had the remainder of my chemo as an outpatient.

When I had Ovarian Cancer and was undergoing treatment I felt as though I was a "prisoner" in my own body. I had no real control over my body or my life at that time. The cancer caused my body to react by producing fluid (ascites) in my abdomen, which I needed to have drained on several occasions. It was rather scary the first time, but I wanted relief. I also had lost a lot of weight - probably between 25 and 30 pounds. Many times right after receiving chemo I did not feel like eating for the first few days, or I was too nauseous to keep anything down. I was trying to regain weight in order to build up my strength to cope with the chemo treatments. These were times I would not want to repeat.

I had another CA125 blood test that showed a significant decrease in the levels after two rounds of chemo. The numbers went from 4095 down to 278; the normal range is 0-35. I knew that the cancer was not spreading, but was being destroyed! After my third round of chemo my CA125 was 58. I had a total of four rounds of chemo and then I had my surgery five weeks later followed by two more rounds of chemo.

When I was taken to the operating room my husband went to wait in the designated waiting room. There was a screen that displayed the patients' names, operating room numbers, starting time of surgery and when surgery finished. After an hour and a quarter my operation stated "closed", which meant that the operation was over. My husband asked the volunteer about that and she said it must be a mistake, but fifteen minutes later the surgeon appeared and called Dan's name. He met with the surgeon in a small room. The surgeon said "This was quite astounding; we were not able to find any cancer." My husband replied that there have been "hundreds of people praying” for me; to which the surgeon said "I think it was the chemo". One of the doctors present during surgery visited me and Dan asked her more details. She said that they didn't see any tumour on the ovary and they didn’t have to take any lymph nodes or do anything to other organs. The pathology report did show cancer cells on the inside of the ovaries and fallopian tubes.

My CA 125 level after my fifth chemo treatment was 12 and after I had a sixth chemo treatment it was 8. I had follow-up appointments with my oncologist every 3 months for the first year after finishing my chemotherapy. The second year I saw the oncologist every 6 months and each time my CA125 was either 7 or 8, which is well within the normal range of 0-35. My third year follow-up appointment was a year later. The fourth year before my annual appointment I had CT scans of my chest, abdomen and pelvis to establish a baseline. The results were all clear and my blood tests also came back normal. I had my final fifth year annual appointment in April 2013. As you can imagine I am happy and relieved to be healthy.

 I want to share the possible symptoms of Ovarian Cancer which are:

- Swelling or bloating of the abdomen

- Back or abdominal pain

- Excessive fatigue

- Gas, nausea, indigestion

If any of these symptoms persist for more than 2 to 3 weeks, see your Physician and be persistent in obtaining tests if these symptoms don't go away. As you can realize, these symptoms are very vague; almost every woman has had one or all of them, and that it is why it is called the Whispering Disease.

If you would like more information about Ovarian Cancer please go to this website:
http://www.ovariancanada.org/

Hope - Hanging Onto God with Patient Expectation

When I define hope I usually put it in the context of my faith in God. I may say "I hope so" when something is stated to possibly happen. But the underlying theme is my belief and confidence in God's ability and His sovereignty to accomplish the things I am trusting Him for.

I am learning how to hang onto God more patiently while still maintaining my expectations. God does have a time and a season for everything under the sun. That includes the things I hope for. I may not receive them in the way or form I expected, but my hopes are often realized when I get to the heart of the matter.

God knows my heart and the longings I have - to be known by Him; to be loved by Him; to be accepted by Him. Those are the needs that God addresses and meets. I may long for others to love and accept me, but I can be disappointed at times. That is when I can turn to God and find those needs met.

My greatest longing is to one day see Jesus; to be in God's presence and worship Him forever. That is my constant hope in this life which carries me through when my temporal hopes are not realized.

Alphabetical Farm Memories

Ambitions for growing corn
Bird in the woodstove
Clothes hanging on the long clothesline
Daddy's coming home song that began with "Where is Daddy?"
Eating our meals outside on the picnic table
Forts in the trees
Goat under the front stoop
Hot air balloon landed in our farm field
Ice rink formed by pooled water that froze
Jars of homemade jam, pickles and preserves
Kittens born to our cat Ginger
Long driveway that needed to be plowed often on account of snow drifts as well as snowfalls
Mouse in the kitchen
No water one winter
One hundred acre farm - the fields were rented to a local farmer
Plastic swimming pool for the children
Quiet much of the time
Rural route mailing address
Swing set with an attached slide
Toby, our golden retriever
Using our zucchini harvest in many different ways
Vegetable garden
Woodstove to keep us warm in the winter
X can stand for Christ - Catholic procession up our rural road from one church to another
Young children who were born while we lived on the farm
Zucchinis so big that they were shared

No Other Like Our God...

who can fully satisfy -

"You open your hand and satisfy the desires of every living thing." Psalm 145:16 (NIV)

who can rescue us-

"...the Lord knows how to rescue godly people from their trials..." 2 Peter 2:9 (NLT)
who can calm our fears-

"I prayed to the Lord, and he answered me, freeing me from all my fears. Psalm 34:4 (NLT)

who can help-

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10 (NIV)

who can deliver-

"He will call upon me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him." Psalm 91:10 (NIV)

who can know and understand-

"As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him; for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust." Psalm 103: 13,14 (NIV)

 who can restore-
"And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast." 1Peter 5:10 (NIV)
who can keep-

"To him who is able to keep you from falling and to present you before his glorious presence without fault and with great joy- to the only God our Savior be glory, majesty, power and authority through Jesus Christ our Lord, before all ages, now and forevermore! Amen." Jude 1:24 (NIV)

who can direct-

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will direct your paths." (NLT)

who can counsel-

" You keep on guiding me with your counsel, leading me to a glorious destiny." Psalm 73:24 (NLT)

A Time Apart

I want to continue sharing with you how God recently led me to a time apart for personal study and reflection. These insights and reflections are from my journaling and will be shared in present tense to convey more accurately my thought processes and the promptings of the Holy Spirit.

March 14 2013- "I sense that the reason God does not want me to take part in the next Bible study series is because I need to hear from God what He wants to say to me. I really sense that I am in a gathering, learning and exploring time. I do not know where it will end or what it will look like. God knows what I will do with what I learn; that is for Him to decide. Right now I need to be obedient to His leading for my life. I have to be obedient so He can trust me with the things He will show me and teach me."

March 15 2013 - "I see now that I am in a preparation time for the next phase of my life as an empty nester. I was thinking short-term, but I think that God has some long-term goals in mind for what He wants to do in my life and then how He wants to use me... God leads me on the path of His choosing. I may not want to go there at first because I cannot see where it will lead, but I know Who is leading me. I know God's heart is for me."

March 21 2013 "I was just thinking about spending time with the Lord and I sensed Him saying He wants to spend time with me."

March 25 2013 (I wrote an email to the other Bible study leaders explaining why I was not going to take part and how God was leading me to a time apart) "When I was writing the email my eyes filled with tears and my heart was overwhelmed by the goodness of God in how He is leading me. I could not make this up. I have just experienced first-hand how God orchestrates and leads and guides - even through human vessels. I know that there are changes coming - not just changes for a season, but changes for a lifetime. God is the one who does the transforming. I just have to step out in faith and obedience."

How God is Leading Me

It is only just recently that I am aware of how the many books, devotions, services and scriptures are all dove-tailing and showing me God's leading. I will share with you some of the various pieces:  

I do a daily devotional reading, Every Day With Jesus by Selwyn Hughes. My parents subscribe to it and then pass on their old copies to me. Each devotional covers a 2 month period and I have several back copies. How I usually choose one is often based on the day of the week the previous one I was doing finishes. The current one I chose was on spiritual disciplines. In one of the lessons it covered fasting and suggested reading a book on fasting. Immediately God brought to mind a book, God's Chosen Fast by Arthur Wallis, that I had not yet read or studied. (This is something I am now reading and studying.)

My husband and I  attended the Lenten series services sponsored by the Bradford Ministerial. I recently attended a funeral service at Holland Marsh CRC and the first day of their catechism was recited. These services had liturgy that spoke to my spirit and awakened a desire to be more contemplative. I know that God is awakening something in me. I sense that I am to have a more disciplined time of seeking the Lord. I was reminded of a book I had read and I could picture it in my mind. I knew God was directing me to it - Sacred Rhythms: Arranging Our Lives For Spiritual Transformation. I have also been going through a devotional book, Contemplating The Cross: A Pilgrimage of Prayer. This is helping me to slow down and think about all that Jesus went through. (I just finished reading this book yesterday.) 

My mother and I attended the World Day of Prayer service at Holy Martyrs of Japan, which was sponsored by various churches in town. The Deacon gave a message on "You Did It For Me". He spoke about seeing Jesus in the people we help/serve. He spoke on the importance of Fasting, Prayer and Alms. He said that our alms or works will not be different from the United Way unless we pray before we give alms or do service, so that we see Jesus and we do it for Him. He said that our prayers will not have depth without fasting. He said that we cannot pick and choose, but rather all three disciplines are important. He said that fasting was more than abstaining from food it was also about denying ourselves. It was a good message for me to hear in light of my involvement with the clothing room of a local ministry.

I know that this is a time of preparation for the new season of life God has for me.

A Grandmother's Love

When I think about “love”, my mind is immediately drawn to my paternal grandmother Reva Tomlinson.

I am the eldest of three girls, but not the eldest granddaughter on my father’s side of the family. Grandma Tomlinson always wanted to have a daughter but she only had two sons, my father being her youngest. I had a special place in my grandmother’s heart and she in mine. I enjoyed spending time with her even into my teenage years.

My high school, Lawrence Park Collegiate Institute, was located near the street my grandparents lived on. There were times when I would walk along Brookdale Avenue, toward their home and the burdens of the day would slip away. Grandma would welcome me in and of course I would be offered some milk and cookies. Grandma loved to bake and she would have at least three tins of different cookies. She stored her cookie tins in the back porch, which was unheated. Sometimes I would be invited to stay for supper and then later my grandfather would drive me home.

  One time I stayed at their home for two weeks while my parents went abroad since it was close to my high school. My younger sisters stayed at our home and were cared for by my maternal grandparents as they needed to be close to their elementary school. I even went to my uncle’s cottage with Grandma and Grandpa Tomlinson for a couple of days. I loved spending time with them and hearing their stories. Although, to my chagrin, I did complain to my dad on occasion that I had heard those stories repeated too many times. At the time I thought I would always remember every detail since I heard them so often. I wish that I had taken the time to record those stories in some form other than trying to rely solely on my memory.

I remember one time as a young preteen wanting to make Grandma beautiful for when Grandpa came home from work. For special occasions or when she was going out Reva wore rouge and face powder, which she allowed me to use on her. I also chose some clip-on earrings for her to wear with a matching necklace and even a broach. I can remember Grandpa playing along and commenting on how beautiful she looked, even if she was a tad overdressed!

Grandma loved to sew and when I was younger she sewed me and my dolls matching outfits. Reva made all her own clothes including her matching hats as she had once worked as a milliner. I loved to watch her sew and when I was old enough I asked her to teach me to sew. My mother had the same sewing machine and I was not allowed to touch it, but my grandmother took the time to teach me one-on-one. I also took sewing at school in junior high and later at summer school. I remember going to a fabric store with my grandparents to pick out some special polyester blend that I could use to make some outfits. That was in the seventies so that type of fabric was all the rage!

Grandma made each of the six grandchildren a traditional quilt and a yo-yo quilt. I remember one time my grandmother gave me some rather explicit advice to not let my husband love me on top of the yo-yo quilt as it would crush it. Grandma had a healthy view of the conjugal relationship and on occasion she did slip in some comments. She just said this so nonchalantly but as usual I was quite embarrassed.

My grandparents sold their home on Brookdale Avenue and moved to an apartment in Scarborough. We also moved from Willowdale to Downsview and I changed high schools for my final two years. If I wanted to visit my grandparents now I needed to take the TTC or get a drive with my parents. My grandfather passed away and Grandma stayed on in the apartment until she could no longer cook for herself. Reva was moved into the nursing home part of the complex, Shepherd Manor, where she could eat in a dining room with other seniors. Her move and further downsizing coincided with my family’s recent move to a bigger house and my upcoming marriage.

Grandma gave me her sewing machine and some money as a wedding gift. She had instructed me to trade in the sewing machine and add the money in order to purchase a newer fancier sewing machine. I could not bring myself to do it. I thought about all the clothes and other articles she had sewn with this machine and that if she was able to do all that with this machine then I would use it too. One time when I brought the machine in for service the serviceman said that it is a great machine and will keep working well as long as I maintain it. I have sewn many clothes for myself and my family as well as other items. I have used some of the attachments such as the buttonholer and the zipper foot but there are some fancier ones that I have yet to use.

The final item my grandmother gave me was her engagement ring. I didn’t receive it until after she had passed away. Grandma had noticed that I did not have an engagement ring and she told me that when she died she wanted me to have it. I had the ring resized as it was too big and now I wear that ring only on special occasions as I want to preserve it.

One day I thought about some of the items I have from Grandma Tomlinson and I was overwhelmed by the love that each item represented. Grandma passed on the love of a spouse; the love of family; the love of cooking and baking; the love of sewing; and the love of God. Grandma prayed for our family to come to know Jesus as our Lord and Saviour and she rejoiced when we did come to faith. I know that one day I will see her again and what a day of rejoicing that will be!

He Doesn't Live Here Anymore

I filled the kettle with water for the morning and then I remembered
He doesn’t live here anymore
As I was making up the orange juice I realized it was lasting longer
He doesn’t live here anymore
I don’t need to refill the honey jar as often
He doesn’t live here anymore
When I was at Costco I realized I don’t need to buy three packages of English muffins
He doesn’t live here anymore
I stripped his bed; washed the sheets & duvet cover and stored them in the linen closet
He doesn’t live here anymore
I washed his remaining clothes and I packed them in bags
He doesn’t live here anymore
I packed up odds and ends in boxes that he had left behind
He doesn’t live here anymore
When I was hanging up the bath towels I remembered I didn’t need one for him
He doesn’t live here anymore
I don’t need to ask him if he’ll be home for supper
He doesn’t live here anymore
All of the cars now fit in the driveway
He doesn’t live here anymore
I was the last person up so I shut off the living room light before I went to bed
He doesn’t live here anymore

( These were the things I noticed in the first couple of weeks after our eldest son, Chris, was married. The phrase "He doesn't live here anymore" came to mind  and I started writing down the changes I noticed.)

Learning To Sift

I am learning to sift out the things that God wants me to do from the things that I could do. It is funny how I have things I can do, yet I still long for the “big thing”. I know that life is made up of many little things. My first priority is to my family and my home, then to others. Of course God is first, but I am to serve God first by serving my family and then others. I am not to feel pressured to do everything that comes along.


In thinking about the pressure I feel about taking part in certain things, I see the root of the compulsion that drives me or condemns me is part of the past legalism and wanting to be well-thought-of and not ill-thought-of. Sometimes others have great expectations of us to do for them beyond what we are comfortable with or are capable. I need to give the burdens of others to God and not take any ownership of always having to do something. As I was praying about what God wanted me to do I sensed God saying “My sheep hear my voice and follow Me.” I need to follow what God wants me to do.

As I was lying in bed I had the thought “I want to do great things for God”. God then said to “remove ‘for God’ and what do you have? “ “I want to do great things”. I sensed God saying that often we have great aspirations, or aspiration to greatness, and we try to couch it in religious terms. It is almost as if we think that we are honoring God. We can honour God through little things that go unseen by others.

These thoughts and impressions have come from my journaling over this past year. As I have read through my journal, I have noticed the many times God used me in various ways. I do not need a title or an official ministry to be able to minister to others. God is the One who has ordained me and called me to serve Him. He will provide opportunities for me to serve. I can take encouragement from the fact that I am prepared and ready to serve. I am not using my gifts on an ongoing basis, but rather sporadically as the opportunities unfold. I know that God is in control. He is the One who made me; He is the One who gave me talents and abilities. It is at His discretion that He has given me certain spiritual gifts. God knows that I desire to be used.

During an evening of worship I had a picture in my mind of a giant hand at my side. I had thought that God had been preventing me from going somewhere or doing something, but through this picture I saw that God wanted to direct me where to go. His hand was protecting me and directing me. It was not as a hand in the stop position. I then realized that God did have a plan and I was walking in His plan. The desires I have deep inside are the fuel that gives me the desire or motivation to do what God has called me to do. I cannot make anything happen; I need to rely solely on God. Later, God impressed on my heart and spirit that He can and will direct if the “call” needs to come from someone rather than me volunteering on my own. My obedience to God’s call is either proactive by stepping out and volunteering to do something; or submissive by responding to requests to do something. I don’t need to be burdened by a desire to do something big for God; or be involved in some great purpose. God’s purpose for my life will be fulfilled and is being fulfilled.