What I Chose to Leave Behind

Books can represent signposts on my spiritual journey. I recently went over our bookshelves because they overflowed with books. They got to that point on account of the generosity of others who wanted to pass on books that we might like to read. I didn’t want the bookshelves to look so messy so I began a purge. I first asked God to show me which books I no longer needed so that I could bless other people.

There were books that had been significant at a particular stage in my spiritual journey. They had assisted me in attaining emotional and spiritual healing after a devastating event that changed the course of my life on many levels. I knew that certain wounds were no longer open and festering, but had healed over and were now scars. I had recently heard a teaching or read something that said we should be thankful for our scars because they mean we have been healed. I could definitely see that on a physical level because of the scar from my hysterectomy surgery when I had Ovarian Cancer. I thought again how Jesus retained the scars from His crucifixion after His resurrection. Scars were nothing to be ashamed of but rather to be celebrated as having made it!

The outward way that I purposely left behind the books I no longer needed was by donating them to the local thrift store. One of the books was a German textbook that I had from when I took a night course on conversational German before I was married over 35 years ago. I think that book and the releasing of it represented another aspect of me knowing who I am as an individual. I often held on to things, books included, because one day I might need it. God has, through the years, shown me how He provides the things I need and I can trust Him to show me what I can leave behind.

(This was written in response to a prompt for my writers'group to write "about what got left behind on purpose")

Photos of Short Hair

To go along with my post "Short Hair - Part Two"

Short curly hair after chemo

Short wavy hair

Short Hair - Part Two

Hair or the lack thereof is an expression of our individuality. When I was undergoing chemotherapy and my hair began to fall out I found it very traumatic. When I had finished my chemo treatments and the hair began to grow again I longed for it to grow quickly so I would look like me again. My hair grew back curly and then the curls softened into waves when my hair grew longer. I recently discovered pictures of my hair from that time and I had wondered why I had not kept it that length since I liked how it looked.

I knew that I needed a haircut and I had to do something with my hair. I felt as if the long sides were like dog’s ears just hanging there. I would often play with my hair, twisting it while I watched TV. My husband had recently suggested that I get a modern hairstyle when I told him I was considering cutting my hair. I dared to have my hair cut short because it once was this short after I had chemo.

My daughter Joy is a hairstylist and I asked her what she would do with my hair if I was a client that came in to the hair salon. I said that she has the advantage of knowing me and my desire for a low-maintenance hairstyle. Knowing that my hair has a natural wave, Joy decided to razor cut it for a softer look.  At first she left the sides a bit longer so it was more like a wedge haircut and not as drastic a change, but I didn’t like how it looked so she cut them off and blended the sides in with the back. I still had a longer bang that I parted to the side. I decided to wash my hair so that the hair would just fall naturally and to see if I wanted to keep that longer bang or to go for a shorter fringe of bangs. After looking at myself in the mirror from different angles, I decided that I would have the shorter bangs.

I had a sense of sadness when I thought why I knew I could risk cutting my hair so short. As I thought about it I remembered how important it was for me to regain a normal life after having cancer, including having the same hairstyle as before. That was the reason I didn’t keep my hair short. Now I was making a choice to have short hair rather than just coping with hair regrowth.

I feel exposed with my hair so short almost as if I had been hiding behind my same safe hairstyle. My earlobes, cheekbones and neck are now more noticeable.  I don’t feel different inside, but when I walk past a mirror I am surprised at how different I look. It is a drastic change but one that I shall embrace as Part Two in having short hair.

Life Lessons

A phrase from a song was going over in my mind “my will to live is for You”. It is from the song You Surround Me by Brian Doerksen on the album You Shine. I was thinking how God does surround me. He gives me the will to live; and not to just live, but live for Him. The words for the song include the Gaelic words and their translation. The English phrase is “my whole will to live is for You, You’ve awakened me to know” the translation of the Gaelic is “You gave meaning and sense to my life; You’ve awakened my heart”. I can’t live “my life” without God. My life can be my physical life or all that transpires in my life.

A few years ago I celebrated my 50^th birthday. I did not have any regret or anxiety to have reached such an age. I was thankful to be alive. I have been cancer-free since April 2008. I am a cancer survivor. It does not define me entirely, but it is like a frame in which the rest of what makes me “me” is displayed. I say that it is a frame because I cannot erase the past, nor undo the consequences. Yet cancer does not direct my life.

I cannot explain why God healed me and others have not been healed. I am thankful for God’s mercy, grace and compassion toward me. I was listening to a song about God showing up and I thought, “He did! He healed me!” I started to cry because I realized that I had been afraid that I would die when I was first diagnosed with cancer. It seemed like a death sentence. I even had to battle fear of dying when I went for the operation. I had such a sense of gratefulness to God for preserving my life and healing me from ovarian cancer.

I was seeking the Lord as to what my response was to be concerning a woman from our church who was on life support. I was to look to the Lord; keep my eyes on Jesus. Just like the Israelites had to look at the bronze snake on the pole. I was not to look at anyone else as a sign of God’s plan or faithfulness to me personally. I was to continue trusting God to restore me and strengthen me. She was in God’s hands. I was in God’s hands. My life does not need to impact hundreds. I only need to be faithful to God and obedient to Him. The word God gave to me is “Follow Me.” The story about Peter asking Jesus about John had come to mind. I sensed God saying to me about that woman dying – “What is that to you? “You must follow Me.”

I was again feeling burdened to do something big for God or to have “great impact on others”. A former co-host on 100 Huntley Street , was diagnosed with a malignant brain tumour. I was feeling guilty or condemned that God had healed me and what did I have to show for it? As I read an update I heard God say to me in my spirit, “Do you trust Me? I am in control”. My eyes were opened to see that I am faithful to use the gifts, talents and abilities God has given me. God does not require of me to do more or to be something that I am not. It is by God’s grace and mercy that I have been spared. I need to continue to follow Jesus, no matter what happens to anyone else who is, or seems to be, more gifted than me. God is sovereign and He has a plan for each of us individually including the fact that these women were not healed in this life. I can still thank God that He healed me, while thanking Him that these women are now with Him. It is not pride or arrogance. I have never felt that I deserved to live or that I was more worthy or special. I am blown away by the intervention of God. I believed that He would heal me and He did.

Recently I shared about my health tests and how I struggled with already having my quota of miracles. It isn’t that I consciously thought that, but God exposed that lie.  One morning words from a song came to mind and I was singing them – “choose to be a blessing for life”. It is from the song “The Blessing” by Troy Denning. I think that this is part of my life’s passion – that I would be a blessing for life. My heart belongs to Jesus. I will speak the words of life. I want to leave behind a legacy of blessing for life. I see now through this episode of unsure health issues that I want to choose to be a blessing for life. I choose life. I don’t want to die. I want to live. It is not selfish or self-seeking to want to live and not die. I desire to continue to be a blessing to others. I am grateful to God for the way He intervenes in my life.

[I wrote the above post in response to the Writers' Nest monthly topic. God had impressed upon me these "Life Lessons", which I have gleaned from my journals kept over the past seven years.]

Getting Lost & Then Finding My Self

I was prompted by a blog post to look at this topic [*] differently and apply it to my true self getting lost in the process of dying to self. I came to faith in Jesus when I was a young teenager. At the time I was beginning to discover and develop into who I was as an individual. I was taking university level courses with the aim in mind of pursuing further education. I also took a creative writing course one semester since I desired to write.  I took interpretive dance classes for several years and I even had an opportunity to do interpretive dance in a Christian setting which I enjoyed. We moved and then life got busy with work and church restrictions lessened the importance and desirability of dance classes.

There were two decisive factors which led me to forgo pursuing further education. We came under a legalistic method of living which precluded further education for women at a secular university. The second omen-like factor was that the number assigned to me for my university application included the numbers 666, which is the number of the antichrist. We were convinced that Jesus was coming soon and I did not want to do anything that would make me unworthy of escaping the Great Tribulation.

 Well about thirty years passed and I fulfilled a longing I had for further education by taking a bridging course for women which was sponsored by York University Women’s Program.  While I did well in that course I did not decide to pursue further education at that time. It satisfied my longing and validated my ability which was further confirmed when I was asked to write an essay about my experience taking this course. The program was celebrating their 25^th year with the publication of a book, which would contain essays by a few women from the hundreds who had taken this course. Taking this bridging course and doing well and then writing an essay for the book nudged me in the direction of pursuing writing; joining a writers’ group; and creating a blog.

Over the years I longed to have the opportunity to do creative dance again in the context of worship.  About seven years ago a young woman taught several dance workshops at my church. I enjoyed taking part and she invited me to be a part of a group of ladies who would do a liturgical dance at our church for the Christmas Eve service. I felt alive when I was taking part in this and while many people were surprised to see me dancing, they felt that I was good at it. One of the women in the group encouraged me to take adult ballet classes at a local dance studio where the young woman taught classes. After my first dance class some of the women commented that I was a natural and that they could tell that I once took dance. That was an encouragement to me and I continued to take the classes for another full year. I had the opportunity to perform in a special worship celebration service at a church the month before I was diagnosed with stage 3 Ovarian Cancer.

It has been a journey of discovering who I really am as an individual and what it means to deny myself as a follower of Christ. I now have a greater understanding that God created me to be creative, which includes the ability to write and to dance. I am still learning to deny myself by not giving in to selfishness and allowing the Holy Spirit to express the fruit of the Spirit in my life. I now realize that both statements are not in conflict nor do they contradict each other. So I can be a woman who writes, dances, and exhibits the fruit of the Spirit, all to the glory of God.

* ["Getting Lost" was this evening's topic for the writers' group.]

My Ovarian Cancer Journey

Ovarian Cancer has been described as "the disease that whispers".  Looking back I heard the whispers, but I did not know what they meant. The summer of 2007 I noticed that I had a small "pot" that was hard, but I did not do anything about it. I thought that I would mention it when I had my physical in the fall. Others had noticed my "pot", but at the time had only thought I had gained some weight. While we were at a cottage, I started to experience indigestion and bloating. I went to my family doctor when I returned home. She had initially thought that I might have a blocked intestine so she put me on stool softeners and a laxative; and she arranged for me to see a bowel specialist.

I was becoming increasingly uncomfortable as my abdomen increased in size. My husband took me to Emergency. The attending doctor was uninformed about Ovarian Cancer so he suggested that maybe I was pregnant and did not know it. When it was discovered that I had had ultrasounds earlier in the week, the staff were able to obtain the results, which recommended that I have a CAT scan.

On the following Monday my husband and I drove to Orillia. The bowel specialist told us that after looking at my ultrasounds I did not need his care as it was not a blocked intestine. We shared about our experience at Southlake and the recommendation for me to get a CAT scan. The doctor informed us that he was chief of staff at the Orillia hospital and he would personally arrange for me to have a CAT scan that day. He said he would also arrange to have the results immediately so he could personally direct us to the correct specialist. Finally we were getting somewhere!

My doctor obtained the written results the next day, and we met with her the following day to discuss the findings. By this time I was very uncomfortable and I was having trouble breathing. My husband insisted that something be done for me. My doctor arranged for me to go to Emergency at Southlake and the chief internist would examine me there. The specialist examined me and told me that they were going to admit me until they not only discovered what was causing this, but also began the appropriate treatment.

Several days later, I was visited by a nursing assistant from the oncology department and informed that I did have a tumour on my ovary. She talked in general terms and I did not expect that it would be serious. I thought that it might be only Stage I Ovarian Cancer. I asked her for information regarding Ovarian Cancer since I had never heard of it before that day.

Later that evening the oncologist came and informed me that I had Stage III Ovarian Cancer and that I would need to have my ovaries removed as well as a hysterectomy. She told me that I needed chemotherapy and that I would lose my hair. My husband and I met with the surgeon on a Wednesday, two weeks after I was first admitted to Southlake, and I began chemotherapy the next day as an inpatient. I was then released from the hospital the following day and I had the remainder of my chemo as an outpatient.

When I had Ovarian Cancer and was undergoing treatment I felt as though I was a "prisoner" in my own body. I had no real control over my body or my life at that time. The cancer caused my body to react by producing fluid (ascites) in my abdomen, which I needed to have drained on several occasions. It was rather scary the first time, but I wanted relief. I also had lost a lot of weight - probably between 25 and 30 pounds. Many times right after receiving chemo I did not feel like eating for the first few days, or I was too nauseous to keep anything down. I was trying to regain weight in order to build up my strength to cope with the chemo treatments. These were times I would not want to repeat.

I had another CA125 blood test that showed a significant decrease in the levels after two rounds of chemo. The numbers went from 4095 down to 278; the normal range is 0-35. I knew that the cancer was not spreading, but was being destroyed! After my third round of chemo my CA125 was 58. I had a total of four rounds of chemo and then I had my surgery five weeks later followed by two more rounds of chemo.

When I was taken to the operating room my husband went to wait in the designated waiting room. There was a screen that displayed the patients' names, operating room numbers, starting time of surgery and when surgery finished. After an hour and a quarter my operation stated "closed", which meant that the operation was over. My husband asked the volunteer about that and she said it must be a mistake, but fifteen minutes later the surgeon appeared and called Dan's name. He met with the surgeon in a small room. The surgeon said "This was quite astounding; we were not able to find any cancer." My husband replied that there have been "hundreds of people praying” for me; to which the surgeon said "I think it was the chemo". One of the doctors present during surgery visited me and Dan asked her more details. She said that they didn't see any tumour on the ovary and they didn’t have to take any lymph nodes or do anything to other organs. The pathology report did show cancer cells on the inside of the ovaries and fallopian tubes.

My CA 125 level after my fifth chemo treatment was 12 and after I had a sixth chemo treatment it was 8. I had follow-up appointments with my oncologist every 3 months for the first year after finishing my chemotherapy. The second year I saw the oncologist every 6 months and each time my CA125 was either 7 or 8, which is well within the normal range of 0-35. My third year follow-up appointment was a year later. The fourth year before my annual appointment I had CT scans of my chest, abdomen and pelvis to establish a baseline. The results were all clear and my blood tests also came back normal. I had my final fifth year annual appointment in April 2013. As you can imagine I am happy and relieved to be healthy.

 I want to share the possible symptoms of Ovarian Cancer which are:

- Swelling or bloating of the abdomen

- Back or abdominal pain

- Excessive fatigue

- Gas, nausea, indigestion

If any of these symptoms persist for more than 2 to 3 weeks, see your Physician and be persistent in obtaining tests if these symptoms don't go away. As you can realize, these symptoms are very vague; almost every woman has had one or all of them, and that it is why it is called the Whispering Disease.

If you would like more information about Ovarian Cancer please go to this website:
http://www.ovariancanada.org/

My Final Six Month Check Up

Yesterday I had my regular six month check up with the oncologist, in the new Stronach Regional Cancer Centre in Newmarket. This was quite a change from the informal temporary offices of the oncologists. The foyer of the new centre reminded me of Sunnybrook Health Sevices Centre in Toronto. I had a flood of memories when I first entered the building until even after I had left.

At the reception desk I stated my name and presented my health card. The receptionist confirmed my information and then took a photo of me with a small digital camera for my medical records. She gave me a form to fill out rating the severity of various symptoms and told me to go upstairs to the waiting area where a nurse would then call me.

After several minutes a nurse approached me introducing herself, took my completed form and weighed me. She then led me to an examination room where I sat in a chair while she took my blood pressure and pulse with a machine. I am very familiar with these machines as they were often used when I was a patient in the hospital; and when I was having my chemotherapy sessions in the cancer clinic. The nurse noted the results, asked me further questions and then entered my responses into the computer. This was very "high tech" compared to the handwritten notes that the oncologist had done in the past.

After the nurse left I waited a few minutes and then the oncologist, who was filling in, came to see me. He examined me and checked my chart on the computer. He asked me a few questions including whether my oncologist had ever ordered a CT scan for me. As he did not see one having occurred, he said that he would order one to have as a baseline reference. I told him, that at my previous appointment, my oncologist had said that providing my levels remained good I could then be on a yearly call-back. He agreed saying that he would order a CT scan to be done next year when I return for a follow-up appointment. I was to wait in the waiting area for the necessary paperwork.

Again I had to wait several minutes until I finally asked the nurse about the paperwork as she was walking by me. She led me to an area that was adjacent to the waiting area. There was a nurse there who I recognized as one who had cared for me a couple of times while I had my chemotherapy sessions. I also recognized one of the nurses at the desk as she had once worked in the cancer clinic. I mentioned that to her and said that she probably would not recognize me since I did not look the same. She agreed on the changes in patients once they are now healthy. She gave me a copy of the CT requisition as well as the blood work requisition form. The CT scan will be booked for June 2011 and then I will have my follow-up appointment in July 2011.

A Victorian Birthday Tea

A year ago I had emailed my sisters the idea of having a birthday tea for my fiftieth birthday. I was so overjoyed at having survived ovarian cancer, that I wanted this birthday to be a special celebration. I wanted to celebrate with the women and girls who have been a part of my life. I left the details up to my sisters, Gayle and Brenda, knowing they would have some good ideas.

As the day grew closer I started to worry about where Gayle was going to put all the women if it rained, so I hoped and prayed for good weather. The other worry was what she was going to do with her large dog. When I inquired about the dog I was told not to worry and "Don't ask any questions".
My mom and daughter Joy went on ahead to help Gayle and Brenda set up and greet the guests. My husband Dan and I were to arrive at 2:15 PM, which would give the guests time to arrive before me. As we were driving south to Aurora, I questioned why we had not turned to go our usual way to Gayle's. Dan answered that we would go this other way so we would not arrive too early. I then said maybe we should not have left so soon.

Once we arrived in Aurora, Dan slowed the car and stopped in front of Hillary House and said I was to get out there. Hillary House is a Victorian home that is owned by the local historical society. There were yellow balloons lining the walkway, and two young women came out of the house to greet me. I walked in the door and Gayle called out to me "Come up here". I was overwhelmed with emotion when I entered the room and saw everyone sitting at tables. I started to cry and I exclaimed that I was glad that I had not worn mascara! I was so surprised; it was definitely more than I had even hoped or imagined!

There were four tables of friends, and relatives. My sisters-in-law, nieces, aunt and female cousins, along with our young great-nephew joined in the celebration. All sides of the family were represented, which was special since family is important to me. There were friends from my former church, St. Paul's Presbyterian in Nobleton; women who I had served alongside. Our children used to play together while we mothers shared our trials and triumphs of raising young children. Also there were friends from my present church, Bradford Baptist; women who have prayed with me and for me on my journey of overcoming ovarian cancer. There were other friends too, including someone I have known for over 30 years.
The tables were set with white tablecloths; matching china teacups and saucers; and glass plates. In the centre of each table was a small vase with two sunflowers, which are the symbol of Ovarian Cancer Canada. A small photo album was on each table, so the women could catch a glimpse of different seasons of my life, including my journey of overcoming ovarian cancer.
My mom introduced herself, my sisters Gayle and Brenda, and my daughter Joy; and then prayed a blessing on our food and time together. We started off with punch and dainty sandwiches, sweet pickles, celery sticks and fancy-cut carrot sticks.
Gayle asked for the ladies' attention while she, Joy and Brenda shared some tea related thoughts. My sisters then shared how different teas reflect my qualities or quirks:
" Country peach passion: The name itself brings to mind your passion for God that keeps ripening. Your faith through the last 2 years especially is an inspiration to us."
"Wild Raspberry: A lightly sweet and fragrant blend...like wild raspberry tea, your life is a sweet blend of family, church, community, friends and personal time."
"Green tea: Simply 100% pure and natural...like green tea, you find refreshment in simple and pure experiences such as baking, homemaking, writing and dancing."
"Mint refresher" a cool, invigorating beverage... like this tea, you embraced the idea of getting fit through invigorating walks and workouts at Curves"
"Earl Grey: a favourite in North America and Britain...Debbie likes Pride and Prejudice (the movie and the book) so much she must have a higher content of British blood in her than the rest of us!"
"Orange Pekoe: Tetley, there's nothing quite like it...Debbie, there's no one quite like you!"

The tea theme continued with a "Fabulous Fifty" scrapbook containing teacup shaped memories, scriptures or words of encouragement that each of the ladies had filled out ahead of time. My sisters had also bought an ivory teapot that everyone signed with indelible ink.

I thanked the ladies for coming and expressed my joy of not only reaching this milestone but also of being healthy. Everyone clapped and I did too; it was an automatic response. I was so full of joy!

We then had our dessert of squares; mini butter tarts; and cookies, along with tea or coffee. I moved about from table to table visiting with as many people as I could. I was overwhelmed to have so many friends and loved ones in the same room, all there to celebrate my 50th birthday. This truly was a birthday to remember.

Life Goes On

"Life goes on" can be said with a heavy heart that is burdened with cares; but I choose to say "Life goes on" as a declaration of praise! I recently had another 6 month checkup with the oncologist. My CA 125 count is 7 (normal is 0 - 35); it was originally 4095 when I was diagnosed with Stage 3 ovarian cancer in September 2007. My next followup appointment with be in January 2010.

It is as if I have re-entered my life anew as a wife, mother and homemaker. I have a greater desire to live my life in a purposeful and organized manner. I want to rid my home of the unnecessary items that can accumulate over time. By nature I am a pack rat, but that is due to my desire to be prepared for any eventuality that could possibly occur!

These are some of the ways that I have culled; organized; and made use of things:

• chest freezer: multiple bags of bread crusts - made into bread crumbs; frozen berries- used to make smoothies; questionable leftovers - discarded in green bin; multiple bags of pizza dough scraps - made into two large pizzas

• canned goods, dry goods and other ingredients on hand - used to create meals and baked goods

• bags of donated fabric: Christmas fabric I won't make use of - donated to a seniors' centre craft program; I discovered a baby's cloth book pattern - I will make it for a gift, using my cache of sewing notions

There are still areas to go over and items to cull, but since "Life goes on" I will have the time and ability to do that.

Mementos of Hope

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." Proverbs 13:12 (NIV)

Recently, I noticed again the many mementos of "Hope" that others had given me while I was undergoing treatment for ovarian cancer. My mind went back to the times when hope was needed to carry me through and to continue trusting in God for healing.

My sisters had designed a beige baseball cap with the word "Hope" embroidered on it for the first "mini-walk of hope" they had organized. The "O" is a stylized sunflower, which is the symbol of Ovarian Cancer Canada. http://www.ovariancanada.org/ I now wear this hat when I do yard work.

At the suggestion of a blog reader, my sisters had contacted "The Lydia Project" and arranged for them to send me one of their bags. Mine is a small fabric bag with the word "Hope" embroidered on it. It contained many items including words of hope and encouragement. http://www.thelydiaproject.org/ I now use this bag to carry my shoes and water bottle to "Curves".

A friend gave me an angel figurine by "Eden's Angels" called "Hope"; her arms are folded against her chest as in prayer. I have this figurine displayed in my living room along with another angel called "Freedom", which she gave me the day after I finished my treatments.

I have a white t-shirt with the word Hope on it, which was from the first "mini-walk of hope" that my sisters had organized. I also have a yellow t-shirt with the same symbol on it from last year's "mini-walk of hope". I now wear these t-shirts when I exercise at "Curves".

When I was again hospitalized this past fall, my sister gave me her "Hope" word sculpture. My sisters again hoped for healing and this represented their hope for me. I now have that sculpture displayed in my living room.

I am thankful for these mementos of "Hope" for they act as reminders of the faithfulness of God.

"What is faith? It is the confident assurance that what we hope for is going to happen. It is the evidence of things we cannot yet see." Hebrews 11:1 (NLT)

Taking Off The Grave Clothes

Last night my husband Dan and I had attended a prayer meeting at our church. At the end of the prayer time when we were asked if we had anything we wanted prayer for, I said that I did. I shared with my group how it felt like I had something on me that I could not break free from as a result of having had cancer and surviving it. I was directed to a scripture that spoke of putting off the old and putting on the new. I personalized that passage and expressed my desires for freedom in a prayer. Then my husband Dan, as my spiritual authority, prayed for me.

Later that night I could not fall asleep. I tossed and turned; and thought and prayed. Finally at 1:00 am, I decided to get up and write down the thought that had come to mind: "I have taken off the grave clothes". I wanted to search the scriptures to see where there was any reference to grave clothes in the Bible.

The incident of Lazarus being raised from the dead and needing his grave clothes removed is recorded in John 11:44: "The dead man came out, his hands and feet wrapped with strips of linen and a cloth around his face. Jesus said to them, 'Take off the grave clothes and let him go'". (NIV)

I then searched the word 'grave' to see if there was a scripture that I could apply to my life regarding this word. In Psalm 49:15, the psalmist writes: "But God will redeem my life from the grave; he will surely take me to himself". (NIV)

There was a cross reference to Psalm 56:13 which states: "For you have delivered me from death and my feet from stumbling that I may walk before God in the light of life." (NIV)

I decided to look up the scripture references to the phrase "the light of life" which is translated "the land of the living" in the following two references.

"Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the Lord has been good to you. For you, O Lord, have delivered my soul from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling, that I may walk before the Lord in the land of the living." Psalm 116:7-9 (NIV)

"I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord". Psalm 27:13, 14 (NIV)

I believe that the thought that came to mind in the middle of the night, "I have taken off the grave clothes" was a direct answer to those prayers for me.

Not Recognized

Yesterday I was at a funeral for the founder of my husband's place of employment, where he has worked for almost twenty years. I saw some of Dan's co-workers there that I knew, but they did not recognize me or acknowledge me. They were used to seeing me how I looked before I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. I did approach one of them, who is also the wife of a close colleague of Dan's. While she expressed surprise and hadn't recognized me, she also said it was good to see me. I could have gone to Dan's workplace for the reception afterwards, but I chose not to. Dan would not have been able to devote his time to stay by my side and re-introduce me to every colleague or client that I knew. It would have been too emotionally taxing for me to have to do this myself.

I am now used to how I look with short curly hair, but many people do not recognize me. I think that this reaction would not affect me to the degree that it does if I had only just cut my hair or permed it. Going through the experience of losing all of my hair and then having it grow in curly has been traumatic for me. I have tried to remain positive about this change, but it has had far greater consequences that I was not prepared for.

Processing

I have not blogged recently because I have been processing a lot of what I have been through with having overcome ovarian cancer last year. Two weeks ago I had my routine follow-up appointment with my oncologist. My CA 125 blood count is well within the normal range and there is no change with my lymph nodes or abdomen. At the end of this month it will have been one year since I had my last chemotherapy treatment. Therefore, I won't need to see the oncologist until six months later instead of the previous schedule of every three months. This was cause for rejoicing and it brought much relief to my family, our friends, and me.

I am a small group discussion leader for the new Bible study on the book of Esther. Often I am in awe of God's timing in how the Bible studies I am involved in are so appropriate to what I am going through in my life. Last week during our discussion time about our responses to the world's standards of beauty, someone mentioned that it must have been hard for me when I had lost my hair. I was able to share some of my feelings about the trauma of having no eyelashes or eyebrows and being completely bald. When I got home from the study I was so exhausted that I had a nap; it took a lot out of me emotionally. I know that God wants to heal my emotions and I believe that He is using this study as part of that process.

Tickled Pink!

This morning, as I was deciding what to wear today, I thought "I feel pink today". I chose my pink turtleneck top; pink earrings; and grey socks with pink polka dots. As I looked at myself in the mirror, taking in my overall appearance including my nail polish, I thought "I am perfectly content with how I look; I am tickled pink!".

I decided to look up the meaning of the phrase "tickled pink: thoroughly delighted or amused; elated" and I saw it was indeed appropriate. I have been transformed; it is like an extreme makeover, yet much of it has been gradual. I now wear earrings on a regular basis. My hair is now short and curly; that is how it has come in after the chemo. I have a membership at Curves and I am now doing two circuits. I have noticed a difference as my muscle strength has increased and I have lost inches.

I am also occasionally wearing nail polish on my fingernails. That may sound either frivolous or ordinary, but it is another form of restoration of my self-expression. When I was a young teenager I was given nail polish by a family friend, who was a salesman. It was a collection in every colour and shade; from yellow, orange, blue, green, to pink, purple, red, black and white. There were probably twenty colours in all. I would co-ordinate my nail colour with what I was wearing.

I know that God has restored my self-expression that was buried so many years ago; that is why I can say that I am "tickled pink!".

A Special Friend

My journey of overcoming ovarian cancer was definitely a shared journey. While I have written about some of the people who have been a support along the way, there is a special friend, Anita, who has also played an integral part.

Anita made herself available to visit me "at the spur of the moment" when I was first in the hospital in September 2007. While I was in the hospital Anita and my daughter cleaned my house in preparation for my homecoming. Later, she accompanied me when my wig was available for fitting. Anita knew how I longed to have a "normal" life and she sought to find ways for me to have one. While my parents were away in Barbados, Anita spent the day with me as I received my final chemotherapy treatment. Another day Anita spent several hours at my home so that I would not be alone, in case I needed anything.

Anita has seen me at my lowest points and she has been a caring friend. I know that she has prayed for me as well. For my birthday Anita gave me a photo album and scrapbooking supplies so that I can document my journey in pictorial form. We will work on it together, since she has lots of scrapbooking tools. That will be a fitting way to end off our shared journey of my overcoming ovarian cancer, but it won't be the ending of our special friendship.

Final Journal Entries From 2008

In reading over my journals from 2008, there were a few more entries that I wanted to post on my blog to help "fill in the picture" of what my journey of overcoming ovarian cancer has been like.


(April 26 2008)
"I think that I am at peace with my body. I have contentment, or a sense of acceptance, and appreciation for what my body has gone through these last few months. My eyebrows and eyelashes have not yet filled in. My hair is slowly growing in on my head. It is much like after a war; there is a time needed to rebuild. It is as if my body was shell-shocked and now it is enjoying the time of peace; the assaults have stopped. It is a sense of relief to be through the treatments and all the side effects that go along with them. There are many things that I want to do, but I do not have the energy yet."

"I want to have 'beauty' and 'life' around me."


(May 20 2008)
"At times I think I am a slow learner in that I don't realize what God is trying to teach me. I have felt as if there is a 'wall' that I can't break through regarding the trauma associated with having had cancer. I was in such a weakened state; I could not bathe or dress myself; I could not do any household chore. I was dependent on others to assist me; or to run the household. I am now regaining my strength and I have gradually been increasing what I do."


"What I believe God wants me to learn is that I need to rely on Him and not on myself. I was brought to a place of dependence on others. I let down my guard and received the love and care and support they offered."


(June 5 2008)
"My hair is growing. My head is looking darker; there is no scalp showing through. I have gone outside without my wig and hat. I have driven to pick up my daughter from work without anything on my head. I found it too distracting to wear a hat while driving. I asked my husband if it looks like I just got my hair cut really short; he said 'no it looks shorter' than that! I was hoping that it would look stylish and not that I am recovering from chemo."

(June 7 2008)
"I am still 'hurting' from having had ovarian cancer. I need time to recover from the trauma. It affected me mentally, emotionally and physically."


"I am an individual. My life and my experiences as well as my responses are unique."


(June 9 2008)
"Cancer is one thing that lumps people together regardless of gender; age; race; religion; tastes in music; occupation; personality etc. We often form our alliances and friendships around shared interests and complimentary personalities."


"I did not choose to have ovarian cancer. No one chooses to have any kind of cancer. I have used this blog as a means of 'getting the word out' about ovarian cancer. I do not consider that by me having had ovarian cancer that I am automatically 'enrolled' in the cause."


"My biggest struggle, throughout my experience of having cancer and undergoing treatment, was to maintain a 'normal' life and retain who I am as an individual. The cause or passion that I have as a result of my experiences is that I have a desire to help others retain who they are in spite of having cancer and undergoing treatment. I spent too many years trying out different 'hats' and not knowing who I was as an individual."


In sharing these journal entries I feel as if I am closing off one chapter of my life's story. I am looking forward to what God has in store for the next chapter in this new year!

February and March 2008 Journal Entries

I did blog a bit as I was experiencing the effects of having ovarian cancer; chemotherapy; and surgery, but there was much that remained "hidden away" in my journals. It was very traumatic and I was not always able to blog about it. Here are some more reflections; life experiences; and my spiritual journey:

(February 1 2008)
"I feel as if I have a responsibility regarding ovarian cancer. Brenda commented on my blog that I bring hope to those who have cancer and who have loved ones with cancer because I am a cancer survivor."

"It is as if having cancer was a gift. Not that it was something to be desired or asked for, but rather it set in motion the blessings and calling from God."

(February 15 2008)
"Nothing can separate me from God's love, not even cancer."

(February 17 2008)
"When I think of 'life', I think of health; satisfying work; good stable relationships; a close walk with God. 'Life' also includes trials; testings; misunderstandings; sickness; frustrations; broken relationships. When I was first diagnosed with ovarian cancer, that did not fit in with my idea of what 'life' should be like. Joy said that when she first found out she said to God, 'How do I do life with this?' A diagnosis of cancer did not fit into our 'life' that we were used to experiencing."

(March 1 2008)
"Spring is coming!"

"I am doing quite well considering I had chemo three days ago. I think that part of it is that I am finished. I have completed the treatments and I won't ever have to have them again! It is such a sense of relief. I am tired though."

(March 2 2008)
"I need to 'feed' my soul during this winter season of my life."

(March 12 2008)
I had struggled at times with the fear of dying, and Jesus gave me victory over that fear. I am so grateful that He died in my place and broke not only the power of death, but also the power of the fear of dying."

(March 14 2008)
"At times I get overwhelmed by the fact that I had ovarian cancer and I have survived it. I am alive!"

"I sat there, receiving chemo, for about seven hours at a time; every three weeks; for six rounds of treatment. While that only amounts to a week that some people put in at their job, some of the effects of the treatment lasted for over two weeks; giving me only one short week to enjoy life before having another chemo treatment. I have not yet reached the third week after my final treatment. I am still on the road to recovery. I know that I will regain my strength as my body continues to heal from the trauma of having had cancer, chemo and surgery."

"Outwardly I am healing. My stomach/abdominal muscles are no longer sore....Inwardly I am still processing. I am grieving; emotionally weary."

(March 30 2008)
"I have wanted to "get on with life". but this is a part of life. I am not the only person who has ever faced ovarian cancer, specifically, or adversity, in general."

What I have noticed, in reading over my blog posts from February and March 2008, is that there were things I blogged about that I had not recorded in my journals. I have copied my blog posts into Word documents and saved them on a jump drive. I hope one day to compile both my journal entries and blog posts into one record of my journey of overcoming ovarian cancer.

January 2008 Journal Entries

Today is the last day of 2008 and I have decided to read over my journals from this past year. Here are some of the notations that track my spiritual journey, life experiences, and reflections concerning ovarian cancer and surgery:

(January 4 2008)
"Yesterday I took encouragement from two things. The anesthesiologist's last name was Morningstar - Jesus is described as the Morningstar. When we were trying to find the parking lot at Sunnybrook, we passed by the Wellspring building that was featured in the video from Ovarian Cancer Canada. I was reminded of the women and their stories - that gave me hope; if they made it through chemo and surgery, then I will too." [My husband Dan and I had gone to Sunnybrook hospital in Toronto for my pre-op appointments.]

"In a way I feel as if my life is on hold. My world is so small."

(January 6 2008)
"Yesterday I had two surprise visits. The Sutherlands [longtime friends] gave me several gifts; then prayed for me regarding my upcoming surgery and for healing. My neighbour, Mary, dropped in with a gift bag for the hospital; in it was a purple housecoat and a lilac nightgown. [Purple is my favorite colour!]

(January 7 2008)
"Tomorrow I have my surgery. Yesterday, the songs at church ministered to me. Colleen and Sonja both prayed for me. Others assured me of their thoughts and prayers." [Colleen is a cancer survivor and Sonja is an intercessor]

(January 13 2008)
"What God impressed upon me is that I don't need to try to figure out who will be influenced by my witness I just have to be faithful. When I was in the hospital I was distraught over a comment that someone had made to a relative that maybe I had been misdiagnosed; that maybe I didn't have cancer, which would be why they didn't find any when they opened me up. It caused all the fears, worries and doubts to rise up and burst forth. I tried to call Dan at work, but when my son Tim answered the phone and was asked by a recording if he would accept a call billed to our number he said no. I was then very upset and emotional and I was crying. My blood pressure was very high since I was so distraught. One of the oncologists came to see me and was concerned. She said that it was natural what I was feeling, given all that I have experienced. She said that I was being strong for others, but that I needed to release what I was holding inside. I asked if there was a chaplain that I could speak to. She said yes there was and that she would call one. She mentioned that when her grandfather had surgery he had spoken to a chaplain and that had seemed to help him. The chaplain came and I shared a bit with her. I asked her if she would pray for me and she did. Later the nurse rechecked my blood pressure and it was again in the normal range.

(January 14 2008)
"Yesterday Dan shared the good news at church. He spoke a bit about our journey and how this type of cancer [ovarian cancer], 'is like throwing sand- you don't know where it will land'. He shared about trusting God and how God had answered our prayers. He thanked the people for praying and for their acts of kindness. The congregation clapped in response to the good news. After church people came up to him. Two men were crying and one of them even hugged Dan tightly."

"I got my first real meal - scrambled eggs, toast and cornflakes. I ate some of it; I didn't want to overdo it. It was like a victory breakfast. I was so excited I called Dan to tell him. I started to cry when I got my meal and could eat it. I was going to live! I saved the tray list of the foods I ate as a souvenir. I was able to go home in the afternoon after lunch. I was very emotional and cried a bit as I was being wheeled in a wheelchair to the lobby; and I cried more when I got in the van. I had gone through the surgery and I had survived! I was going to live and be healthy! That was now past and I only had a bit more on this journey toward complete healing. I am to have one more chemo treatment in February."

(January 19 2008)
"I would not have known God's miraculous healing power if I had not been healed of cancer. If I didn't have cancer in the first place I would not have experienced God's miraculous healing power from cancer. It is almost overwhelming to think about that. Yet there is the example of the man born blind. Jesus said it was not because the man or his parents had sinned but that the glory of God would be seen when Jesus healed him." [John 9: 1-7]

"I am glad that I am home to stay."

(January 22 2008)
"I have had so much bottled up inside. When I mentioned a bit to my sister Gayle, she said she wouldn't blame me if I should cry about all that I have gone through."

"I am not in despair; I have been given hope for the future."

(January 23 2008)
"Today I received a parcel in the mail from my sister-in-law Darlene and her family. It was in a bubble package almost as big as a pillow. Inside were tissue-wrapped gifts. In the card it mentioned that these were to replenish the "Sunshine Basket". I opened the first package, which was puffy; it was a snowman candle holder. That was really special." [I collect snowmen]

(January 26 2008)
"Last night I went to 'Change of Heart', [a women's'ministry event]. I spoke to Laura and Judi before the meeting; I shared about God healing me. It was mentioned if I would share this; I said 'I don't know'. I went into the foyer to get a drink . As I was at the table there was another lady standing there and Jodie came to us and said 'I don't believe I know you ladies'. She talked a bit with the other lady and then she turned to me and then said 'I know you!' She put her arm around my shoulder and told the other woman that God had done a miracle. I shared briefly with the woman about having ovarian cancer and when I had surgery they couldn't find the cancer. She was blessed. I know that I was to share so I told Laura I would and she told Judi. We sang a couple of songs The song just before Judi called me up was 'I can't do anything - I can't face anything without You'. It was a perfect lead in . I know God wanted me to share last night; it fit in with the theme of Jesus/God being the Great Physician."

"What came to me as I was lying in bed - I am not to resent this time of rest; recuperation; and isolation - that is all part of the preparation time."

I hope to share other journal entries in other posts. I was encouraged as I read them and it is my hope that they will encourage others as well.

Continuing To Live

I have been very burdened of late; three people I know have recently passed away as a result of cancer. I have the hope of seeing at least two of them again. It is easy to get waylaid by the questions that naturally occur. I felt as if I was slipping into depression and I needed to hear God's voice to direct me.

Last night I could not fall asleep and I decided to read my Bible. I had previously found some scriptures that pertained to death and life and I wanted to study them to see what God might say to me through them. The verses are found in 2 Corinthians chapters 4 and 5. There was a reference to Philippians 1:20-26, which is where I found God's direction for my life. By looking at the Apostle Paul's example I was able to discern what God's will is for me in continuing to live.

There are several purposes to be fulfilled:

• exalt Jesus in my body (Philippians 1:20)
• fruitful labour for me (Philippians 1:22)
• encouragement for others' progress in the faith (Philippians 1:24,25)
• on account of me being with them others' joy may overflow (Philippians 1:26)

I am thankful for the direction God has given me through His Word. I now have a purpose as I am continuing to live.

A Gift For Healthy Living

Since the summer I have now regained the weight that I had originally lost during my bout with ovarian cancer. I am looking healthier as a result and my clothes now fit me properly rather than just hanging on me. There is also a negative result of regaining that weight, in that I now have a "muffin top". This is probably a result of the bloating and the weakening of the abdominal muscles due to major abdominal surgery. I need to strengthen these muscles specifically.

In early summer I had taken part in the Curves/Avon Thirty Days for Thirty Dollars Challenge and I had originally wanted to join Curves, but it was not financially feasible. I had recently borrowed a resistance band to try to strengthen some muscles, but I soon abandoned that plan. I felt as if I was in an unending cycle: I needed money to join Curves; I needed a part-time job to obtain money; I needed my stamina and muscles to be strengthened in order to be able to work at a part-time job.

This past Saturday my daughter Joy came home from working at Curves and said that "this" was left for me and handed me an envelope marked "A Special Gift for YOU." Inside was a Curves Gift Membership for one year! It was given anonymously. I started to cry; I was overcome with emotion.

The timing of that certificate could not have been better. I had just come through an evening of severe abdominal gas pains, which had brought back all the memories of going through chemotherapy. I had made fish sticks with cajun spice for dinner and I think that I was reacting to that. My digestive system is still sensitive from the chemotherapy. The previous day I had the opportunity to share about my experience of ovarian cancer with a woman whose daughter is having ovarian problems. Also I had recently heard that someone else had been given a year to live as a result of a different type of cancer. All of these things compounded worked against me and I had to battle my resulting fears.

The thought that rose up within me, upon receiving this certificate, was that God wants me to live! He doesn't just want me to survive, but He wants me to be healthy and regain my strength.