February and March 2008 Journal Entries

I did blog a bit as I was experiencing the effects of having ovarian cancer; chemotherapy; and surgery, but there was much that remained "hidden away" in my journals. It was very traumatic and I was not always able to blog about it. Here are some more reflections; life experiences; and my spiritual journey:

(February 1 2008)
"I feel as if I have a responsibility regarding ovarian cancer. Brenda commented on my blog that I bring hope to those who have cancer and who have loved ones with cancer because I am a cancer survivor."

"It is as if having cancer was a gift. Not that it was something to be desired or asked for, but rather it set in motion the blessings and calling from God."

(February 15 2008)
"Nothing can separate me from God's love, not even cancer."

(February 17 2008)
"When I think of 'life', I think of health; satisfying work; good stable relationships; a close walk with God. 'Life' also includes trials; testings; misunderstandings; sickness; frustrations; broken relationships. When I was first diagnosed with ovarian cancer, that did not fit in with my idea of what 'life' should be like. Joy said that when she first found out she said to God, 'How do I do life with this?' A diagnosis of cancer did not fit into our 'life' that we were used to experiencing."

(March 1 2008)
"Spring is coming!"

"I am doing quite well considering I had chemo three days ago. I think that part of it is that I am finished. I have completed the treatments and I won't ever have to have them again! It is such a sense of relief. I am tired though."

(March 2 2008)
"I need to 'feed' my soul during this winter season of my life."

(March 12 2008)
I had struggled at times with the fear of dying, and Jesus gave me victory over that fear. I am so grateful that He died in my place and broke not only the power of death, but also the power of the fear of dying."

(March 14 2008)
"At times I get overwhelmed by the fact that I had ovarian cancer and I have survived it. I am alive!"

"I sat there, receiving chemo, for about seven hours at a time; every three weeks; for six rounds of treatment. While that only amounts to a week that some people put in at their job, some of the effects of the treatment lasted for over two weeks; giving me only one short week to enjoy life before having another chemo treatment. I have not yet reached the third week after my final treatment. I am still on the road to recovery. I know that I will regain my strength as my body continues to heal from the trauma of having had cancer, chemo and surgery."

"Outwardly I am healing. My stomach/abdominal muscles are no longer sore....Inwardly I am still processing. I am grieving; emotionally weary."

(March 30 2008)
"I have wanted to "get on with life". but this is a part of life. I am not the only person who has ever faced ovarian cancer, specifically, or adversity, in general."

What I have noticed, in reading over my blog posts from February and March 2008, is that there were things I blogged about that I had not recorded in my journals. I have copied my blog posts into Word documents and saved them on a jump drive. I hope one day to compile both my journal entries and blog posts into one record of my journey of overcoming ovarian cancer.

January 2008 Journal Entries

Today is the last day of 2008 and I have decided to read over my journals from this past year. Here are some of the notations that track my spiritual journey, life experiences, and reflections concerning ovarian cancer and surgery:

(January 4 2008)
"Yesterday I took encouragement from two things. The anesthesiologist's last name was Morningstar - Jesus is described as the Morningstar. When we were trying to find the parking lot at Sunnybrook, we passed by the Wellspring building that was featured in the video from Ovarian Cancer Canada. I was reminded of the women and their stories - that gave me hope; if they made it through chemo and surgery, then I will too." [My husband Dan and I had gone to Sunnybrook hospital in Toronto for my pre-op appointments.]

"In a way I feel as if my life is on hold. My world is so small."

(January 6 2008)
"Yesterday I had two surprise visits. The Sutherlands [longtime friends] gave me several gifts; then prayed for me regarding my upcoming surgery and for healing. My neighbour, Mary, dropped in with a gift bag for the hospital; in it was a purple housecoat and a lilac nightgown. [Purple is my favorite colour!]

(January 7 2008)
"Tomorrow I have my surgery. Yesterday, the songs at church ministered to me. Colleen and Sonja both prayed for me. Others assured me of their thoughts and prayers." [Colleen is a cancer survivor and Sonja is an intercessor]

(January 13 2008)
"What God impressed upon me is that I don't need to try to figure out who will be influenced by my witness I just have to be faithful. When I was in the hospital I was distraught over a comment that someone had made to a relative that maybe I had been misdiagnosed; that maybe I didn't have cancer, which would be why they didn't find any when they opened me up. It caused all the fears, worries and doubts to rise up and burst forth. I tried to call Dan at work, but when my son Tim answered the phone and was asked by a recording if he would accept a call billed to our number he said no. I was then very upset and emotional and I was crying. My blood pressure was very high since I was so distraught. One of the oncologists came to see me and was concerned. She said that it was natural what I was feeling, given all that I have experienced. She said that I was being strong for others, but that I needed to release what I was holding inside. I asked if there was a chaplain that I could speak to. She said yes there was and that she would call one. She mentioned that when her grandfather had surgery he had spoken to a chaplain and that had seemed to help him. The chaplain came and I shared a bit with her. I asked her if she would pray for me and she did. Later the nurse rechecked my blood pressure and it was again in the normal range.

(January 14 2008)
"Yesterday Dan shared the good news at church. He spoke a bit about our journey and how this type of cancer [ovarian cancer], 'is like throwing sand- you don't know where it will land'. He shared about trusting God and how God had answered our prayers. He thanked the people for praying and for their acts of kindness. The congregation clapped in response to the good news. After church people came up to him. Two men were crying and one of them even hugged Dan tightly."

"I got my first real meal - scrambled eggs, toast and cornflakes. I ate some of it; I didn't want to overdo it. It was like a victory breakfast. I was so excited I called Dan to tell him. I started to cry when I got my meal and could eat it. I was going to live! I saved the tray list of the foods I ate as a souvenir. I was able to go home in the afternoon after lunch. I was very emotional and cried a bit as I was being wheeled in a wheelchair to the lobby; and I cried more when I got in the van. I had gone through the surgery and I had survived! I was going to live and be healthy! That was now past and I only had a bit more on this journey toward complete healing. I am to have one more chemo treatment in February."

(January 19 2008)
"I would not have known God's miraculous healing power if I had not been healed of cancer. If I didn't have cancer in the first place I would not have experienced God's miraculous healing power from cancer. It is almost overwhelming to think about that. Yet there is the example of the man born blind. Jesus said it was not because the man or his parents had sinned but that the glory of God would be seen when Jesus healed him." [John 9: 1-7]

"I am glad that I am home to stay."

(January 22 2008)
"I have had so much bottled up inside. When I mentioned a bit to my sister Gayle, she said she wouldn't blame me if I should cry about all that I have gone through."

"I am not in despair; I have been given hope for the future."

(January 23 2008)
"Today I received a parcel in the mail from my sister-in-law Darlene and her family. It was in a bubble package almost as big as a pillow. Inside were tissue-wrapped gifts. In the card it mentioned that these were to replenish the "Sunshine Basket". I opened the first package, which was puffy; it was a snowman candle holder. That was really special." [I collect snowmen]

(January 26 2008)
"Last night I went to 'Change of Heart', [a women's'ministry event]. I spoke to Laura and Judi before the meeting; I shared about God healing me. It was mentioned if I would share this; I said 'I don't know'. I went into the foyer to get a drink . As I was at the table there was another lady standing there and Jodie came to us and said 'I don't believe I know you ladies'. She talked a bit with the other lady and then she turned to me and then said 'I know you!' She put her arm around my shoulder and told the other woman that God had done a miracle. I shared briefly with the woman about having ovarian cancer and when I had surgery they couldn't find the cancer. She was blessed. I know that I was to share so I told Laura I would and she told Judi. We sang a couple of songs The song just before Judi called me up was 'I can't do anything - I can't face anything without You'. It was a perfect lead in . I know God wanted me to share last night; it fit in with the theme of Jesus/God being the Great Physician."

"What came to me as I was lying in bed - I am not to resent this time of rest; recuperation; and isolation - that is all part of the preparation time."

I hope to share other journal entries in other posts. I was encouraged as I read them and it is my hope that they will encourage others as well.

A Recent Hospital Stay

A week ago Saturday, while at a women's retreat, I developed extreme abdominal gas pains and vomiting. My husband picked me up and drove me to Southlake hospital in Newmarket. I was admitted to hospital and diagnosed with a "kink" in my bowel. The doctors said that it was probably a result of my previous surgery and not uncommon.

I had a CT scan and then daily abdominal x-rays to monitor the situation. I did not want to have further surgery. I had an NG tube and I was put on "bowel rest"; I only had NaCl IV and later potassium was added. I was not even allowed to drink any water.

Many people were praying for me. I had the NG tube for four days, but on the fifth day I was allowed a liquid diet. On Friday evening I was allowed to have a soft diet. I was informed by the doctor that the bowel was now normal and there was no longer a "kink". For the past three days the x-rays had shown a change in the bowel.

I was discharged from the hospital on Saturday afternoon after a week long stay. I am now on a low-residue diet for four to six weeks.

Scars

Yesterday, I had a "momentary lapse of reality", if that is what you would call it. I was getting changed in the bathroom. As my torso was exposed, I was momentarily surprised to see the scar. "Oh yeah, I had surgery". I know I had surgery and I have seen my scar every day since then, but yesterday was the first day that I was looking in the mirror as I changed. This experience got me thinking about scars. At the moment mine is "angry red" against fair skin. Up close it doesn't look that red, but seeing my reflection in the mirror, the scar is definitely noticeable.

The other day when I was in the checkout line at the grocery store, I noticed that the cashier had a faded pink scar just below her neck. Someone once showed me their scar, which had faded to white. I know that my scar will continue to heal; it might be the "pink variety" and not the "white kind".


In the midst of my rambling thoughts, God brought to mind the fact that Jesus still had His scars after the Resurrection. God has the power and ability to remove the scars and re-create new fresh skin, yet He chooses to leave our scars as reminders.


"One of the disciples, Thomas (nicknamed the Twin), was not with the others when Jesus came. They told him, 'We have seen the Lord!' But he replied, 'I won't believe it unless I see the nail wounds in his hands, put my fingers into them, and place my hand into the wound in his side,' Eight days later the disciples were together again, and this time Thomas was with them. The doors were locked; but suddenly, as before, Jesus was standing among them. He said, 'Peace be with you.' Then he said to Thomas, 'Put your finger here and see my hands. Put your hand into the wound in my side. Don't be faithless any longer. Believe!'. 'My Lord and my God!' Thomas exclaimed. Then Jesus told him, 'You believe because you have seen me. Blessed are those who haven't seen me and believe anyway.' John 20: 24-29 (NLT)

Loss & Weariness

While I am rejoicing in the healing power of God, I still have to face the different losses I have experienced as a result of having had cancer. Some of my losses are temporary such as hair loss; it is starting to grow back! Others are more permanent such as loss of reproductive organs, loss of unmarred skin , and loss of a natural easement into menopause. I need to acknowledge these losses and the resulting feelings.

I must admit that I was a bit taken aback by the weariness that I have felt since coming through surgery and receiving such a positive answer to prayer. As I have mentioned previously I was holding onto God; basically just surviving; and trying to remain positive. I didn't allow myself to dwell on the losses as I was going through this experience since it would have defeated me. God has carried me.

Just as I have physical limitations as I recover from surgery, so too I have emotional limitations. My body needs to heal and I also need to heal from the trauma of having had cancer and all that that entails. I am still holding onto God and looking forward to when I will not only be strong physically, but emotionally as well.

"Then Jesus said, 'Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke fits perfectly, and the burden I give you is light.'" Matthew 11: 28-30 (NLT)

I Am A Survivor!

I was listening to a song about God showing up and I thought, "He did! He healed me!" I started to cry because I realized that I had been afraid that I would die, when I was first diagnosed with cancer. It seemed like a death sentence. I even had to battle fear of dying, when I went for the surgery. I now have such a sense of gratefulness to God for preserving my life and healing me from ovarian cancer. I am a cancer survivor!

"I will not die, but live to tell what the Lord has done." Psalm 118:17 (NLT)

Responses To Healing

The morning after surgery one of my sisters called me and said "That's great news!" And I said "What news?" I vaguely remembered Dan saying something, but I wanted her to share what she had heard. I later asked my husband what the doctor had said. I needed and wanted to hear it again.

Not everyone's response to the news was positive. An old friend of the family suggested that maybe I had been misdiagnosed; in that I never had cancer in the first place, which would be why they couldn't find any cancer.

I think that sometimes people say things to try to explain what they don't understand or can't accept.I cannot explain why God healed me and others have not been healed. I am thankful for God's mercy, grace and compassion toward me.

"Oh, what a wonderful God we have! How great are his riches and wisdom and knowledge! How impossible it is for us to understand his decisions and his methods! For who can know what the Lord is thinking? Who knows enough to be his counselor? And who could ever give him so much that he would have to pay it back? For everything comes from him; everything exists by his power and is intended for his glory. To him be glory evermore. Amen." Romans 11: 33-36 (NLT)

The Day Of Surgery

I feel as if the theme for the hospital is "hurry up and wait". I was called to one area to prepare for surgery, by getting changed into a hospital gown. The nurse came and inserted the IV feed. She then said she would come back one hour before surgery to give me some pills. The original time for surgery was 10:00 am, but I wasn't taken until closer to 11:00 am. I then had to wait about 15 minutes in another area. I met one of the nurses who would be in the operating room. Apparently the consent form had expired and I needed to sign a new one. I was wheeled to just outside the operating room and I met the anethesist, who asked me some questions. I then resigned the same consent form with that day's date. The surgeon asked about an abdominal port for chemo and I said that Southlake didn't have the means to administer chemo that way so they crossed it off the form. I then was wheeled in to the operating room and within a few minutes I was asleep.

When I was taken to the operating room my husband went to wait in the designated waiting room. There was a screen that displayed the patients' names, operating room numbers, starting time of surgery and when surgery finished. After an hour and a quarter my operation stated "closed", which meant that the operation was over. My husband asked the volunteer about that and she said it must be a mistake, but fifteen minutes later the surgeon appeared and called Dan's name. He met with the surgeon in a small room. The surgeon said "This was quite astounding, we were not able to find any cancer." My husband replied that there have been "hundreds of people praying" for me; to which the surgeon said "I think it was the chemo".

When I came to in my hospital room I had a tube in my nostrils pumping oxygen; I was hooked up to IV; and I had a catheter. I was not allowed to drink water after my surgery. I was thirsty, but my husband was only able to wet my lips with a sponge-tipped wand that was dipped in water. I drifted in and out of consciousness and I could barely keep my eyes open. Dan shared the news about my surgery with me, but I didn't remember it. One of the doctors that was present during surgery visited me and Dan asked her more details. She said that they didn't see any tumour on the ovary.

Cleansing And Exercises

There is preparation for the surgery that I need to do, which reminds me of spiritual truths. It is both an inner and an outer cleansing. I need to be on a liquid diet the day before surgery; I need to take a powerful laxative and later an enema. I also have to shower with a special cleanser the night before surgery and the morning of surgery. I need to put on clean pj's; use clean towels each time; and sleep on clean sheets. This is to lower the risk of infection. There are also exercises that I need to do after surgery that will help my circulation and breathing. Surgery demands an active response from me. In order to have the best recovery I need to play an active role.

My surgery, the preparations, and the follow-up exercises are a picture of my walk with God. I need to cleanse myself from wrong thoughts, attitudes and beliefs; I need to cleanse myself from the influences of the world and the devil; I need to act in line with what God has done in my life. I can't be passive; I need to exercise my faith and what I believe and know. I may be limited at first in what I can do, but I can do something. I need to be on guard that I don't allow resentment or bitterness to creep in. The breathing and coughing exercises remind me of confessing and ridding myself of any wrong attitudes, and receiving God's forgiveness, peace and grace. If I am tempted to panic or fear I need to remember that God is in control and as I breathe in deeply, I will calm down.

Confidence In Uncertain Times

I have had my meeting with the surgeon and my pre-op assessments. I am heading into the home stretch of approaching surgery and then the recovery. I feel more comfortable knowing what to expect going into the surgery; but I still have some uncertainty and fear regarding the outcome of the surgery. I have committed my body and my life into God's hands. I know that God can work miracles. The doctor and the medical team don't have the final say - God does. It is because I know that God is sovereign, in control, that I can have peace. It is not that I am trying to put on a brave face. I am fearful when I worry and think of the "what ifs"; but then I have peace when I focus on God. Whatever outcome I might face God will be with me. He is already with me. Nothing surprises Him. That is why I can have confidence in uncertain times.

"When I am afraid, I will trust in you." Psalm 56:3 (NIV)

"Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The Lord, the Lord, is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation." Isaiah 12:2 (NIV)

"...God has said, 'Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.' So we say with confidence, 'The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?'" Hebrews 13:5b,6 (NIV)

The Seasons Of My Life

It is interesting, looking back on this past year and looking ahead to 2008. I know that God uses all that we experience to work out His plan for our lives. I have had one set of chemo, which is destroying the cancer cells. In the new year I will have surgery to remove any remaing cancer and the affected organ, as well as related ones - I am having a complete hysterectomy. Then I will have some more chemo to erradicate any remaining cancer cells.

It is intersting how these procedures have been divided, not only by year, but by season. I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer and began treatment in autumn, which is a season where plants wither up and die. My CA125 levels went from 4095 to 58 after three rounds of chemo. The cancer, like the plants, was withering up and dying. Winter is the season that I have my surgery and remaining chemo. It is as if the soil of my life is being prepared for the new life of spring. The tumor, ovaries and nearby organs are being removed. I don't need those anymore. I am thankful for the three beautiful children that my ovaries produced and my uterus nurtured. I will be fruitful in other ways and give birth to other things in the spiritual realm. That has not ended, nor can that be taken away from me. I will be totally done chemo and able to move on by the end of spring. I am looking forward to the new life that God has for me. There have been things planted that have either weathered the harsh storms or that have lain dormant and are awaiting the spring and summer time of my life.

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: ... a time to plant and a time to uproot." Ecclesiastes 3:1,2b (NIV)

Gratefulness or Self-Pity

"Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. and be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him." Colossians 3:15-17 (NIV)

I resented the fact that I needed to have surgery. I was regaining strength and health; I didn't want to be cut open and have to recover from surgery. I was struggling to have the right attitude toward surgery. I knew that I needed to be positive and to go into it with a positive attitude rather than a negative one.

As I was praying and thinking about my upcoming surgery, the thought came to me that I had a choice. I could wallow in self-pity or I could choose to be grateful. I have much to be grateful for:

I live in Canada, where the medical tests and procedures are readily available and paid for in Ontario by OHIP

When I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer, treatment began immediately

I have access to specialists and hospitals where I can receive treatment and have necessary surgery

All my medication is covered by my husband's health insurance plan

I have home care nurses who are paid for by CCAC

I have a wonderful family who is supportive of me in every way

I have been regaining strength and some of the weight that I had lost; I will be better equipped physically to undergo surgery

I have a caring church family, who pray and offer practical help as well

God has given me strength and His grace to cope; I know that He will be with me through the surgery and recovery

"Praise the Lord, I tell myself; with my whole heart, I will praise his holy name. Praise the Lord, I tell myself, and never forget the good things he does for me. He forgives all my sins and heals all my diseases." Psalm 103: 1-3 (NLT)

My Times Are In God's Hands

I am longing for this time to be over. God has sustained me through this time. I have experienced His peace in hard times. I am not looking forward to my upcoming surgery. Yet I know that it is necessary. I have finished one leg of this journey, and the next one awaits me. I am having surgery on January 8. I am glad that I am able to enjoy the Christmas season with our families. After surgery I am to have more chemotherapy. I hope it is not many rounds. I want to move on and begin to heal from the effects of chemo and surgery.

Father, I again commit "my times" into Your hands. You already have a time for me to heal. May I continue to rest in knowing that You are in control.

"My times are in your hands" Psalm 31: 15a(NIV)

"There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under heaven...a time to heal..." Ecclesiastes 3:1,3 (NIV)