Getting Lost & Then Finding My Self

I was prompted by a blog post to look at this topic [*] differently and apply it to my true self getting lost in the process of dying to self. I came to faith in Jesus when I was a young teenager. At the time I was beginning to discover and develop into who I was as an individual. I was taking university level courses with the aim in mind of pursuing further education. I also took a creative writing course one semester since I desired to write.  I took interpretive dance classes for several years and I even had an opportunity to do interpretive dance in a Christian setting which I enjoyed. We moved and then life got busy with work and church restrictions lessened the importance and desirability of dance classes.

There were two decisive factors which led me to forgo pursuing further education. We came under a legalistic method of living which precluded further education for women at a secular university. The second omen-like factor was that the number assigned to me for my university application included the numbers 666, which is the number of the antichrist. We were convinced that Jesus was coming soon and I did not want to do anything that would make me unworthy of escaping the Great Tribulation.

 Well about thirty years passed and I fulfilled a longing I had for further education by taking a bridging course for women which was sponsored by York University Women’s Program.  While I did well in that course I did not decide to pursue further education at that time. It satisfied my longing and validated my ability which was further confirmed when I was asked to write an essay about my experience taking this course. The program was celebrating their 25^th year with the publication of a book, which would contain essays by a few women from the hundreds who had taken this course. Taking this bridging course and doing well and then writing an essay for the book nudged me in the direction of pursuing writing; joining a writers’ group; and creating a blog.

Over the years I longed to have the opportunity to do creative dance again in the context of worship.  About seven years ago a young woman taught several dance workshops at my church. I enjoyed taking part and she invited me to be a part of a group of ladies who would do a liturgical dance at our church for the Christmas Eve service. I felt alive when I was taking part in this and while many people were surprised to see me dancing, they felt that I was good at it. One of the women in the group encouraged me to take adult ballet classes at a local dance studio where the young woman taught classes. After my first dance class some of the women commented that I was a natural and that they could tell that I once took dance. That was an encouragement to me and I continued to take the classes for another full year. I had the opportunity to perform in a special worship celebration service at a church the month before I was diagnosed with stage 3 Ovarian Cancer.

It has been a journey of discovering who I really am as an individual and what it means to deny myself as a follower of Christ. I now have a greater understanding that God created me to be creative, which includes the ability to write and to dance. I am still learning to deny myself by not giving in to selfishness and allowing the Holy Spirit to express the fruit of the Spirit in my life. I now realize that both statements are not in conflict nor do they contradict each other. So I can be a woman who writes, dances, and exhibits the fruit of the Spirit, all to the glory of God.

* ["Getting Lost" was this evening's topic for the writers' group.]

Trusting In God

(I am not going to finish telling my journey until I process what I have written thus far. It is not a "quick fix" "get it out there...now that's done" kind of thing.)

I had asked God what He wants me to do; what burden or passion does He want to lay on my heart? It came to mind that I have been asked to be a discussion leader for a new Bible study. I would have to rely on God. I know that I am gifted with the ability to lead such a group; it is the topic, "Walking By Faith: Lessons Learned In The Dark", that causes me to hesitate.

I am still weak from the trauma of having had ovarian cancer; I need to lean on God. I do not want to "hurry" my recovery by suppressing things that need to be healed. Yet God is able to heal me as I walk through this study with Him. I was thinking about why I might be hesitant to lead a discussion group; "fear" came to mind; "loss of control" or "no control" over what might surface. God is in control. I need to surrender my fear to Him and give Him control over what might or might not surface.

When I asked God why I cannot know more- have a 5-year plan say, He asked me if I would have danced in Unionville had known I would be diagnosed with ovarian cancer a month later. No, I would not have. I would have been worried and very concerned. I would not have been able to concentrate on what God wanted me to take part in if I was thinking about what was to come. It is not that God is just shielding me from any unforeseen future trouble, but also that He wants me to occupy myself with what is "at hand". I can only do one thing at a time.

God is directing me to those things that He wants as a part of my life at this time. An example of this took place this past Sunday morning. As our pastor was closing off his message, he reminded the congregation that if anyone desired to have prayer they could come and sit in the front row and someone would come and pray with them. I am a member of the prayer team so I looked to see if anyone had come for prayer that God would want me to pray for. A new lady came forward and sat at the front; I waited a minute to see if one of the other team members was going to pray for her and then I went to her. After talking with her, I was able to lead her in a prayer for salvation. God used me in spite of my weakness.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will direct your paths." Proverbs 3: 5,6 (NLT)

Physical Exercise

I am taking part in the "30 Days for 30 Dollars" challenge at Curves. I had wanted to start doing exercises to help build up my muscles, as they had been weakened through inactivity;the trauma of having cancer; the resulting chemotherapy; and major abdominal surgery. Also since I no longer have ovaries I am at a greater risk for osteoporosis.

When I had my first follow-up appointment with my oncologist this month, I had mentioned my desire to one day join Curves; she thought that would be a good idea. I am taking it slowly and trying to not overdo it. I only go around the circuit once instead of the usual two and a half times. I was advised by a former physiotherapist to start with three repetitions and build up each time by one. I go three times a week and it usually takes me twenty minutes to walk there, so I am getting plenty of exercise. I am glad that I have already been building up my strength through going for walks with my husband or my daughter. I plan on joining Curves once this trial period ends and I hope to one day resume my beginner ballet classes.

Freed To Dance

The dancers at my church, Holly and Linda, held a dance workshop this past Saturday. The main focus was to be on using flags and what their colours signified. Both my husband and I attended and took part in the various activities.

At the beginning of the workshop, Holly handed out a slip of paper and pen to every participant. She instructed us to ask the Lord to reveal to each of us what was holding us back from dancing, and to write it on the paper. What had come to me was "heaviness, sorrow, fear of man, illness - cancer". We were then to place it on a representative altar and pray that it would no longer hinder us. We then were instructed to respond, in dance/movement, to a song about "freedom" in whatever way we wanted.

At the end of the workshop we split into groups to take part in dancing, using flags, or using sticks to "Days of Elijah". I decided to be in the group that used flags as this would be my first time dancing since being diagnosed with ovarian cancer. I didn't want to overdo it and attempt too much physical activity.

On Sunday morning during the worship time, Linda approached me and another lady with a couple of large silver flags. She wanted us to flag to the song "Healer" by Mike Guglielmucci, which was being sung by the congregation. As I was flagging and walking in the aisle, I started to weep because of the words of the song and how they applied to my life. These are some of the words that spoke to me - "You walk with me through fire and heal all my disease... I believe You're my healer... Nothing is impossible for You". I sensed the Lord's presence heavily upon me. My daughter later told me that she was weeping when she saw me flagging. I believe that Saturday's workshop was an integral part in preparing me for Sunday's service. I am in awe of God's leading.

The Promise of Spring

"In that day", says the Lord, "I will be the God of all the families of Israel, and they will be my people. I will care for the survivors as they travel through the wilderness. I will again come to give rest to the people of Israel". Long ago the Lord said to Israel: "I have loved you, my people, with an everlasting love. With unfailing love I have drawn you to myself. I will rebuild you, my virgin Israel. You will again be happy and dance merrily with tambourines. Again you will plant your vineyards on the mountains of Samaria and eat from your own gardens there." Jeremiah 31: 1-5 (NLT)

There were several phrases that stood out to me as I read that passage that I could apply to myself.

"I will care for the survivors as they travel through the wilderness." I am a cancer survivor. At times it feels as if I am in a "wilderness"; a place that is barren; solitary; far from the rest of human activity. I take great comfort in the fact that God doesn't leave me in that place, but He is with me as I "travel through the wilderness".

"I will rebuild you ... You will again be happy and dance merrily with tambourines". God is the One who will "rebuild" my strength. I see this verse as further confirmation that I will dance again. I want to dance a celebratory dance, just like Miriam did on the shores of the Red Sea after God had delivered Israel from the Egyptians. God has done a mighty deliverance for me too. I was "delivered" from the "jaws of death". Cancer could not hold me. God has healed me from a deadly cancer!

"Again you will plant your vineyards on the mountains of Samaria and eat from your own gardens there".While I may be in a winter season right now, spring is coming; the time for "planting" is near. It will not be in this "valley of the shadow of death", but on the mountains.

Revival & Vitality

I have spent the past several months just surviving; persevering; holding onto God in faith. I am weary. I know that the Lord can strengthen me. I need to rest in Him to be revived and re-vitalized. I decided to look up revive and vitality in the Webster's New World Dictionary.
"revive - [L. re - again + vivere - to live] 1. to return to life or consciousness 2. to return to health or vigor 3. to come or bring back into use, attention, popularity, exhibition, etc."
"vitality 1. power to live 2. power to endure 3. mental or physical vigor"

As I was writing out these definitions, my husband rushed into the living room to turn on the radio; "He Reigns" by The Newsboys was playing. That song was the one that I had danced to at a special worship service last summer right before I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. I started to cry. I had my eyes closed remembering the moves. I know that I will dance again. I have held onto that dream and this was a reminder.

"Praise the Lord! Praise him in his heavenly dwelling. Praise him for his mighty works; praise his unequaled greatness! Praise him with a blast of the trumpet; praise him with the lyre and harp! Praise him with the tambourine and dancing; praise him with stringed instruments and flutes! Praise him with a clash of cymbals; praise him with loud clanging cymbals. Let everything that lives sing praises to the Lord! Praise the Lord!" Psalm 150 (NLT)

Restoring What Was Hidden

My children had decided to replenish my "Sunshine Basket". One morning when I awoke I found a framed photograph sitting on a chair in my living room. It is a photograph of me as a 16 year old performing a liturgical dance with two other dancers.

Last night I was thinking about the photograph. That picture was "hidden away" in an old photo album for over thirty years. My ability to dance and my love of dance was also "hidden away" for thirty years, but God restored it. Just as the photograph is now beautifully displayed in a lovely frame, so too I have been on display using the gift and ability that God has given me. God was able to restore that dream and desire and ability to dance after thirty years, so I know that He is able to restore it anew after my cancer. God is a God of restoration. He takes what is hidden and makes it known.

A Heart of Praise

My heart is overwhelmed with praise to God.

I will praise You Lord with my life.
I will worship You Lord with my mind, body, soul and spirit.
I will contemplate You Lord through my five senses.
I will sing and I will be silent.
I will dance and I will kneel.
I will lift my eyes to heaven.
I will close my eyes in prayer.
I will speak and I will listen.

"It 's who you are and the way you live that count before God. Your worship must engage your spirit in the pursuit of truth. That's the kind of people the Father is out looking for: those who are simply and honestly themselves before him in their worship. God is sheer being itself - Spirit. Those who worship him must do it out of their very being, their spirits, their true selves, in adoration." John 4: 23-24 (MSG)

An Alphabet of Thanks

I was thinking that I have a lot to be thankful for. These are just some of the things and people that I am thankful to God for.

Anita - a true friend
Brenda - my "baby" sister & Belinda - an encourager re writing
Chris - my oldest son
Dan - my husband & Dianne - one of my best friends & Dad
Encouraging words
Friends & Freedom in Christ
Gayle - my middle sister
Holly - an encourager regarding dance
Interests
Joy - my daughter
Kelly - an encourager regarding dance
Linda - an encourager regarding dance
Mom & Magda - a new friend
New experiences
Old memories
People sharing their spiritual journeys
Quiet times with God
Rest
Salvation & Sandi - a fellow dancer
Tim - my youngest son
Unconditional love
Venerate - a contemporary worship service
Wendy - my cousin
X-rays ( I had to put something that was true, if not high on my list:))
Young people's passion for God
Zeal tempered with wisdom

The Holy Spirit's Empowering

On Sunday our pastor spoke about the Baptism or filling of the Holy Spirit. One of the evidences of being filled with the Holy Spirit is being empowered to do things that we could not do in our own strength or ability. This past week I have recognized the working of the Holy Spirit in my own life.

My husband Dan and I were away at a cottage for a few days last week. The lake was calm and Dan wanted to launch his boat to take advantage of the lake conditions, since they are changeable. There is a public access point to the lake just north of the cottage. As he was backing the boat trailer into the water he had to keep going since the water was so shallow. Unfortunately the van got stuck while he was trying to drive out so he decided it would be best to put the boat back on the trailer and call CAA. Dan stayed with the van while I walked back to the cottage to make the phone call. I was informed that we either had to detach the boat and trailer or add "recreational vehicle" to Dan's membership, which we chose to do. Amazingly I was not stressed. I was a lot calmer than I would have been in the past. I recognized this as an evidence of the Holy Spirit's empowering in my life. This was an inward working of the fruit of the Spirit.

Yesterday I had the opportunity to dance in the church service for one song, Refiners Fire, using a "fire flag". Before the service the other dancers and I discussed how and where we would dance with our flags. Everything started the way it was planned and then one of the dancers decided to dance "as the Spirit led" so I was immediately put into a place of depending on the Holy Spirit to empower me to continue and to not freeze on the spot or panic. I was able to refocus on the Lord and finish the dance. This was an inward working of the Holy Spirit that resulted in outward action.

"But when the Holy Spirit controls our lives, he will produce this kind of fruit in us: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Here there is no conflict with the law." Galatians 5: 22,23 (NLT)

"I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength." Philippians 4 : 11b-13 (NIV)

Joyful Dancing

"You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy." Psalm 30: 11 (NLT)


I want to share about my journey from mourning to joyful dancing. If this situation had not happened I don't know if I would have pursued dance in worship. I have longed to use dance in worship for years. I had taken dance in my youth and had briefly been a part of a dance group in a Christian setting. It was after viewing a worship DVD by Brian Doerksen that featured women dancing in worship that the dream or desire to dance was rekindled. I know that I have been created to dance. It is such a natural expression of worship for me.

I had emailed a dance teacher, who attends my church, stating my desire to participate in an adult worship dance. She later said that she was a part of an adult Christian dance group and they wanted to teach others how to use dance in worship through workshops. The first workshop was Messianic music and dance. The second workshop featured banners, ribbons & scarves. I felt that using these allowed me to give expression to what I was feeling inside. I was invited to join with a few women to dance a Messianic style dance for the Christmas Eve service at our church. We danced to "The Promise" by Michael Card.

After the Christmas season I was talking with two of the dancers from our church. One of them mentioned about the possibility of me taking ballet lessons. She said that it is evident that I have a call to dance on my life and that I have a gift to express myself in dance. She said an example was when I would suggest moves during practices. She said that I come alive when I dance or talk about it. I said that dance allows me to express outwardly what I feel inside. She said that taking lessons would be like a sharpening tool. I was given information about a local dance school and I decided to enroll. I had my first dance class and it went well. Someone said that she could tell I must have had previous experience. I have continued with my ballet lessons and I will be attending a worship dance conference in the summer.

I recently had the opportunity to dance at my church. We had a guest speaker teach about the Passover meal and the Jewish Seder. I joined with three other ladies to dance to a medley of Messianic style songs. We did Messianic style folk dances. I really enjoyed worshipping the Lord this way. Others told me that I looked natural doing it, which blessed me since we had only choreographed it the evening before! I have been invited, with an number of others, to join with the dance group to dance to a worship song at a special 3 hour artistic worship service in the summer.

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:... a time to weep and a time to laugh, and a time to mourn and a time to dance." Ecc. 3:1, 4 (NIV)

Thankfully the time to mourn has now passed and I am in a time to dance.

The Door of Hope

This is a journal entry from February 2, 2007:
[I awoke this morning with the phrase "The Valley of Achor is a door of hope". It kept repeating in my mind. I looked up the passage in Hosea where it speaks about this.

"Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her, there I will give her back her vineyards, and will make the Valley of Achor a door of hope. There she will sing as in the days of her youth, as in the day she came up out of Egypt." Hosea 2:14, 15 (NIV)

What stood out to me from reading this passage is that God restores her vineyards while she is in the desert. The word achor means trouble. The Valley of Achor is turned into a place of hope. I was a person without hope. I had lost many vineyards. I was led into a time or season of trouble. Yet in the midst of that trouble God has been speaking tenderly to me. ]

It is interesting to look back over the past two years of my life in light of this passage in Hosea. I found myself in a Valley of Achor that appeared to be a desert. Many of the activities that I had been involved in on a regular basis were no longer a part of my life. It felt as if all was stripped away and there was no hope to be seen. Yet that is the place that has become the haven of healing and wholeness where God began to restore my vineyards.

When I came to faith in Jesus as a young teenager I had a life of promise ahead of me. I was in a young peoples' choir that put on Gilbert & Sullivan operettas and I was a cast member in "The Mikado". I had been taking dance lessons and I even took part in a Messianic-style liturgical dance group. I did well in school and I was contemplating going on to university. I had spent a summer in France on an immersion course and I was proficient in French. I took a Creative Writing Course in my last year of high school. I also took an active role in my school's ISCF group. For all intents and purposes my life did look promising. My life plans got derailed and I even began sacrificing my individuality and adopted a life of conformity to an imposed norm of Christian behavior that was legalistic in nature.

A door is something that one goes through to get from one place to the next. Faith has been described as a quality that goes through something in order to receive the promise on the other side of the trouble. God led me to various doors of opportunity to walk through; and in the process of walking through God has given me back my vineyards. It is never too late to rekindle lost dreams. They may not be revived in their original forms, but the seed is still present. As I have walked through those doors I have flourished and I have been given a hope that will not be deferred.