Chemo Brain Frog

You might have wondered about the title "Chemo Brain Frog", but that is what came into my mind when I wanted to write on the topic of chemo brain fog. My head is all muddled and I find that I can lose my train of thought mid-sentence. It is almost as if my words fall off a cliff, never to be recovered. I get my words mixed up without even trying; they just pop into my mind and are spoken as if they are the correct words. Often as I am saying the wrong word I recognize that that is not really what I wanted to say.

There have been some comical moments such as when I told my home nurse that I was going to have a vascetomy instead of hysterectomy. As soon as I said it I said "no that's not what I meant" and then found the correct word. Sometimes it is rhyming words such as the title of this blog. One morning I saw a box of Shreddies on the table and as I was reaching for a bowl in the cupboard, I thought "I'll have a bowl of Freddies". Now I was not thinking of anyone named Freddie so I have no idea how that came to mind.

I also get phrases mixed up. Sometimes I watch "Little People Big World", but I once said to my daughter "let's watch Big People Little World". Today I found an envelope addressed to me in my Bible. I recognized my husband's handwriting. I thought it was odd that he was giving me an encouragement card today when Valentine's Day is tomorrow. When I opened it it was a Valentines card, he had given it to me a day early. When he called at lunch, I thanked him for the card and said that tomorrow is Valentine's Day. I said "better late than... no I mean better early than not at all". I am glad that I can find humour, and be able to laugh at my blunders, in what could be a source of frustration.

Hope Restored

I had my hopes set on this past chemo being my last one. I have regained much of my strength and health in the time between chemo treatments and surgery. It was good to have that break of two months. My body was definitely the healthiest it has been in a long time. This round of chemo hasn't been too bad. I have not been sick and the feelings of nausea have mostly been manageable.

I had allowed myself to spiral downward almost into despair when I found out that I needed to have another chemo treatment. Chemo does take its toll on me. While I am grateful for the good it does in destroying cancer cells, I hate the way it messes with my body. I would not want to discourage anyone from taking chemo, but I can't pretend that it's "a walk in the park".

I had emailed family, friends and our church with the news that I needed to have a total of 6 chemo treatments; the final 2 would be "precautionary" to ensure that any microscopic cancer cells would be destroyed. I received some encouraging emails in reply. I was assured of love and prayer support. I was reminded of God's love and faithfulness to me. I needed my sisters in Christ to help lift me from the edge of despair.

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when dreams come true, there is life and joy." Proverbs 13:12 (NLT)

"A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones." Proverbs 14:30 (NIV)

"An anxious heart weighs a man down, but a kind word cheer him up." Proverbs 12:25 (NIV)

A Virtuous And Capable Woman

From the time I was first admitted to the hospital, right through to the present my mother has been a big help. My parents live in a basement apartment in our home. They lead very active lives even though they are in their 70's. I am blessed to have my mother living so close to me. When I needed my mom, she was there to care for me. There were times when I felt that it should be me caring for my parents, yet here they were caring for me. I am thankful that they are in relatively good health, but it has been hard for me to be "the weak one".

My mom has contended with "mountains" of laundry and she has helped "rally the troups" to help clean up. Mom has made dinner on several occasions as well. My mother has also taken time out from her busy schedule to take me to appointments and she has been with me when I have had my chemo. The most important thing my mother has done for me, I feel, is pray. When I have felt discouraged she has been an encourager. My mother is a virtuous and capable woman and I am blessed to have such an example.

"Who can find a virtuous and capable wife? She is worth more than precious rubies. ... She is energetic and strong, a hard worker... She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs with no fear of the future. When she speaks, her words are wise, and kindness is the rule when she gives instructions. She carefully watches all that goes on in her household and does not have to bear the consequences of laziness. Her children stand and bless her. Her husband praises her: 'There are many virtuous and capable women in the world, but you surpass them all!' Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised." Proverbs 31: 10,17,25-30 (NLT)

Strengthened by God

Throughout my treatment I longed to be normal; to hold onto the real life of family commitments and sharing with friends. My activities were limited and scaled back. There were many days that I spent alone, longing for human connection. I think that the days of isolation were my loneliest days; I thrive on meaningful heart-to-heart connections. I did have visits from family and friends interspersed throughout my treatment. It seemed as if everyone's life was more interesting than mine. My world now included doctors, tests and drugs. I could talk about my family's activities, but I had no new or current interest that I was pursuing. It was hard for me to be sick and weak when I was used to being healthy and strong. There were days when I wondered if I would ever regain my strength.

I have been marked by cancer, but I am continuing on. I am pressing on to live a life of meaning, purpose and fulfillment. I recently noticed that the word cancer has the word can hidden in it. I can have a fulfilling life in my new state. I can move on from this place stronger than when I first faced it because God has strengthened me.

"I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little. For I can do everything with the help of Christ who gives me the strength I need." Philippians 4:12,13 (NLT)

On Being A Survivor

When I was first diagnosed with ovarian cancer and undergoing treatment, I longed for the day that it could be said of me that I was a cancer survivor. A woman who is a three-year ovarian cancer survivor had visited me in October of last year. She brought me a pin from Ovarian Cancer Canada that is only for survivors. I put it on the baseball cap that my sisters had made to commemorate the mini-walk they had organized to raise funds and awareness for Ovarian Cancer Canada.

What I do struggle with is being marked or labeled "A Cancer Survivor" as if that is the only thing that defines me. When I was first undergoing treatment, I was determined to not allow cancer to define me and I welcomed every opportunity that allowed me to live a normal life apart from the diagnosis. I will always have the physical reminder that I once had ovarian cancer on account of the 6 inch (15cm) vertical scar on my abdomen/pelvis.

My sisters want me to attend a special fundraising event in the spring, which is being put on by Ovarian Cancer Canada. It is a luncheon/fashion show to be held at The Royal York hotel in Toronto. Jeannie Bekker, from Fashion Television and a judge on Canada's Next Top Model, will be there taking part. It will be quite a fancy event given the venue and planned program. I have no idea yet if I will wear my wig or if my hair will be long enough to look fashionable. I do know that I will look forward to being at that event and to be identified as one of the cancer survivors.

Loss & Weariness

While I am rejoicing in the healing power of God, I still have to face the different losses I have experienced as a result of having had cancer. Some of my losses are temporary such as hair loss; it is starting to grow back! Others are more permanent such as loss of reproductive organs, loss of unmarred skin , and loss of a natural easement into menopause. I need to acknowledge these losses and the resulting feelings.

I must admit that I was a bit taken aback by the weariness that I have felt since coming through surgery and receiving such a positive answer to prayer. As I have mentioned previously I was holding onto God; basically just surviving; and trying to remain positive. I didn't allow myself to dwell on the losses as I was going through this experience since it would have defeated me. God has carried me.

Just as I have physical limitations as I recover from surgery, so too I have emotional limitations. My body needs to heal and I also need to heal from the trauma of having had cancer and all that that entails. I am still holding onto God and looking forward to when I will not only be strong physically, but emotionally as well.

"Then Jesus said, 'Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke fits perfectly, and the burden I give you is light.'" Matthew 11: 28-30 (NLT)

My Two Sisters

I want to tell you about my two sisters, Gayle and Brenda. They have been there for me throughout this season of dealing with ovarian cancer. The day after finding out that I had been diagnosed with ovarian cancer, Gayle searched the internet for information regarding the disease; she wanted to do something. She discovered that Ovarian Cancer Canada sponsored a walk to raise funds and awareness, but it had just occurred before I was diagnosed. She had the idea to have a mini walk, in my honour, in her hometown. With only a month to plan she and Brenda contacted their friends and relatives for support. We had the idea to contact a local paper since it was a human interest story. This helped to raise awareness for the disease and strangers even joined the walk. In total around $5000.00 was raised in a month. Since that time both sisters have volunteered to be on a committee for a future fundraising event for Ovarian Cancer Canada.

My sister Brenda has on two occasions driven me to the hospital for my pre-chemo checkups. What is special about that is that she lives almost an hour drive from me and she has needed to arrange babysitting for her youngest son. When I was in Sunnybrook, after my surgery, she came to visit me one day, with her young son, just to keep me company.

I have already written about the Sunshine Basket that my sisters filled with gifts big and small that would help "bring sunshine into a dark time". Gayle and Brenda have been my encouragers and "biggest fans" of my blogs. They have prayed for me; brought lunches; given gifts; at times called daily; visited me at the hospital and at home; and been a voice to call attention to ovarian cancer. I have been blessed to have such women as sisters.