My Two Sons

My two sons, Chris and Tim, have been a blessing to me, each in their own way.

Chris, my eldest son, has a quiet strength. He may be a "man of few words", but when he speaks words of encouragement and love, they are worth their weight in gold. Chris has given me gifts with hope attached to them. When I was first in the hospital last fall, Chris gave me, for my birthday, a gift certificate for a local spa. After I had to go to Emergency he bought me some pink boxing gloves "to fight" ovarian cancer. For Christmas, Chris and Tim gave my husband and me a gift certificate for a local restaurant, which we just redeemed recently. He also drove me to the hospital for my last pre-chemo test. Chris is an "all out" kind of guy; he does things in a "big way". One day he decided to wash the kitchen floor, but first he dusted every room except the bedrooms; then he vacuumed those rooms; then he washed the kitchen floor!

Tim, my youngest son has the ability to see the "silver lining in every cloud". He has been a great encourager and our resident comedian! We can always count on Tim to have a witty word for us. Whenever I had been tempted to lose hope, Tim would remind me of how far I had come and how this season of life is only a small part of my whole life. Tim is also our resident photographer, with a passion for capturing nature in all its aspects. My sisters had asked Tim to take pictures of the mini-walk they had organized last fall to raise funds and awareness for Ovarian Cancer Canada. I was unable to attend that event as I was experiencing the side effects of Stemetil, the anti-nausea drug that I was allergic to. I am glad that Tim did such a good job of capturing this event for me. Tim has also been taking pictures of me to record my journey in dealing with ovarian cancer. He has taken many candid photographs that convey the truth that "a picture is worth a thousand words".

My sons are a blessing from the Lord.

"Sons are a heritage from the Lord, children a reward from him. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are sons born in one's youth." Psalm 127:3,4 (NIV)
"Blessed are all who fear the Lord, who walk in his ways. You will eat the fruit of your labor; blessings and prosperity will be yours. Your wife will be like a fruitful vine within your house; your sons will be like olive shoots around your table. Thus is the man blessed who fears the Lord." Psalm 128:1-4 (NIV)

A Passion For Ministry

Yesterday we had a guest speaker at church. He is a pastor to the workers at Christian Horizons, a Christian organization that ministers to those with "exceptional needs". He spoke about having a passion and ministering out of it. I had a passion and I was ministering out of it. I was using my gifts, talents and abilities as well. Instead of being "fired up" by the message I became depressed and angry. The doors to past ministry are firmly shut and no new doors have opened up.

This morning I was thinking about it and my response had been one of resignation. I had a "what's the use?" type of response and I was quenching my passion. I had the impression of great pressure being put on me to "squeeze" me into acting. I spent too many years in believing the lie "what's the use?". God had put tremendous pressure on me to push me out of my comfort zone and venture out to discover what He had for me.

I know that I am not yet strong enough to physically venture out. I know that I need to continue to heal. I am content in that aspect - I need to be because I cannot push my body. When I have felt well enough, I have done too much and I have paid for it the next day by being exhausted. I need to keep my passion alive while I wait and regain my strength.

I wanted to add a scripture, so I asked the Lord for one. He reminded me of the scripture an elder had read to close the morning service. At the time I thought it was an odd choice, but now it makes sense to me.

"The eyes of the Lord search the whole earth in order to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to him." 2 Chronicles 16:9a (NLT)

That is God's promise to me.

The Picture of 3 Stone Hearts

(photo by Jodi Greenstreet)

A Shaped Heart

I have been thinking about a photo a friend had posted on Facebook; it is of three heart-shaped stones on sand. It must have taken great force to shape these stones. I then thought about my heart and the adversities that have shaped my heart.

I had prayed for improved relationships with family members; I did not pray to have ovarian cancer. I prayed for true faith and not the "name it- claim it" variety; I did not pray for unknown outcomes. I prayed for God to restore to me all I had lost; I did not pray that more would be taken away in order to make room for the restored things to grow and mature.

God has given me the desires of my heart; the means and circumstances have not always been of my choosing. In each circumstance I have had a choice to allow God to shape my heart; in doing so I have received so much more than I could have ever imagined.

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." Ephesians 3:20,21 (NIV)

Spring Has Sprung!

Spring has sprung and so has my hair! My hairline is now visible and the hair has poked through. The weather is warm enough for me to go around the house without a hat. When I go outside I usually wear a baseball cap. It is the hat my sisters designed for the "Mini Walk of Hope" they had organized last fall. The word "HOPE" is embroidered on the face of it. The "O" is a stylized sunflower, which is the official emblem of Ovarian Cancer Canada. I also have two stylish sun hats that I have begun to wear when I need more coverage from the sun.

I have started to go for a walk most days with my daughter or my husband. Sometimes I go for a walk twice in one day, once with each of them! I don't venture off on my own yet. It is so nice to be outside after being cooped up all fall and winter. I even hung out the laundry last washday. My children carried the baskets for me though as I still have limitations to my strength and stamina.

I am participating more in the household routines, but the family still helps out. I now go grocery shopping, but I need someone to carry the bags as they are often too heavy for me. When I look back on how weak I once was and compare it to what I am now able to do, I am encouraged and given hope for a full recovery. I was told by my home nurses that it takes about six months to fully recover your strength after having chemo and surgery. I am more content now, in this "spring" season of my life; I have occasional activities and then times of rest and recuperation.

One Who Loves Me

"And you husbands must love your wives with the same love Christ showed the church. He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by baptism and God's word...In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man is actually loving himself when he loves his wife. No one hates his own body but lovingly cares for it, just as Christ cares for his body, which is the church. And we are his body. As the Scriptures say, 'A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.' This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one. So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband." Ephesians 5: 25,26,28-33 (NLT)

My husband, Dan, has fulfilled those scriptures by lovingly caring for me when I was so weak.

When I was first in the hospital last fall, Dan would bathe me while I sat on a chair in the shower; it took too much out of me to do it myself. Once, after Dan had shaved my legs, I said to my sisters, "How many husbands would do that for their wives?". One Sunday morning before church, Dan drove to the hospital to help me shower and get dressed for the day. He would return for a visit later in the day.

After I came home from the hospital and was experiencing the side effects from Stemetil, Dan not only continued to bathe me, but his care for me branched out in other ways. I would hold onto him for support as I would shuffle about the house or as I walked up or down stairs. He also massaged my aching limbs. There were a couple of nights that I woke Dan up because I was so sore and he massaged my arms, legs and hands.

Dan, not only cared for me physically, but he also cared for me spiritually. We were given a book that had healing scriptures and prayers, which Dan would read over me. If I would stir in the night he was ever vigilant to see if I was okay or if I needed anything. Often Dan would then pray for me or quote healing scriptures over me. There were times, early on in my diagnosis, that he was brought to tears over my physical state.

In sharing these intimate actions of my husband, Dan, I have wanted to convey the respect and appreciation I have for this man. Dan is not only "One who loves me", but I am "One who loves him". God has brought our marriage to a deeper level of intimacy as a result of Dan's loving obedience to God's command "to love his wife as he loves himself".

Freed To Dance

The dancers at my church, Holly and Linda, held a dance workshop this past Saturday. The main focus was to be on using flags and what their colours signified. Both my husband and I attended and took part in the various activities.

At the beginning of the workshop, Holly handed out a slip of paper and pen to every participant. She instructed us to ask the Lord to reveal to each of us what was holding us back from dancing, and to write it on the paper. What had come to me was "heaviness, sorrow, fear of man, illness - cancer". We were then to place it on a representative altar and pray that it would no longer hinder us. We then were instructed to respond, in dance/movement, to a song about "freedom" in whatever way we wanted.

At the end of the workshop we split into groups to take part in dancing, using flags, or using sticks to "Days of Elijah". I decided to be in the group that used flags as this would be my first time dancing since being diagnosed with ovarian cancer. I didn't want to overdo it and attempt too much physical activity.

On Sunday morning during the worship time, Linda approached me and another lady with a couple of large silver flags. She wanted us to flag to the song "Healer" by Mike Guglielmucci, which was being sung by the congregation. As I was flagging and walking in the aisle, I started to weep because of the words of the song and how they applied to my life. These are some of the words that spoke to me - "You walk with me through fire and heal all my disease... I believe You're my healer... Nothing is impossible for You". I sensed the Lord's presence heavily upon me. My daughter later told me that she was weeping when she saw me flagging. I believe that Saturday's workshop was an integral part in preparing me for Sunday's service. I am in awe of God's leading.