A Time Apart

I want to continue sharing with you how God recently led me to a time apart for personal study and reflection. These insights and reflections are from my journaling and will be shared in present tense to convey more accurately my thought processes and the promptings of the Holy Spirit.

March 14 2013- "I sense that the reason God does not want me to take part in the next Bible study series is because I need to hear from God what He wants to say to me. I really sense that I am in a gathering, learning and exploring time. I do not know where it will end or what it will look like. God knows what I will do with what I learn; that is for Him to decide. Right now I need to be obedient to His leading for my life. I have to be obedient so He can trust me with the things He will show me and teach me."

March 15 2013 - "I see now that I am in a preparation time for the next phase of my life as an empty nester. I was thinking short-term, but I think that God has some long-term goals in mind for what He wants to do in my life and then how He wants to use me... God leads me on the path of His choosing. I may not want to go there at first because I cannot see where it will lead, but I know Who is leading me. I know God's heart is for me."

March 21 2013 "I was just thinking about spending time with the Lord and I sensed Him saying He wants to spend time with me."

March 25 2013 (I wrote an email to the other Bible study leaders explaining why I was not going to take part and how God was leading me to a time apart) "When I was writing the email my eyes filled with tears and my heart was overwhelmed by the goodness of God in how He is leading me. I could not make this up. I have just experienced first-hand how God orchestrates and leads and guides - even through human vessels. I know that there are changes coming - not just changes for a season, but changes for a lifetime. God is the one who does the transforming. I just have to step out in faith and obedience."

How God is Leading Me

It is only just recently that I am aware of how the many books, devotions, services and scriptures are all dove-tailing and showing me God's leading. I will share with you some of the various pieces:  

I do a daily devotional reading, Every Day With Jesus by Selwyn Hughes. My parents subscribe to it and then pass on their old copies to me. Each devotional covers a 2 month period and I have several back copies. How I usually choose one is often based on the day of the week the previous one I was doing finishes. The current one I chose was on spiritual disciplines. In one of the lessons it covered fasting and suggested reading a book on fasting. Immediately God brought to mind a book, God's Chosen Fast by Arthur Wallis, that I had not yet read or studied. (This is something I am now reading and studying.)

My husband and I  attended the Lenten series services sponsored by the Bradford Ministerial. I recently attended a funeral service at Holland Marsh CRC and the first day of their catechism was recited. These services had liturgy that spoke to my spirit and awakened a desire to be more contemplative. I know that God is awakening something in me. I sense that I am to have a more disciplined time of seeking the Lord. I was reminded of a book I had read and I could picture it in my mind. I knew God was directing me to it - Sacred Rhythms: Arranging Our Lives For Spiritual Transformation. I have also been going through a devotional book, Contemplating The Cross: A Pilgrimage of Prayer. This is helping me to slow down and think about all that Jesus went through. (I just finished reading this book yesterday.) 

My mother and I attended the World Day of Prayer service at Holy Martyrs of Japan, which was sponsored by various churches in town. The Deacon gave a message on "You Did It For Me". He spoke about seeing Jesus in the people we help/serve. He spoke on the importance of Fasting, Prayer and Alms. He said that our alms or works will not be different from the United Way unless we pray before we give alms or do service, so that we see Jesus and we do it for Him. He said that our prayers will not have depth without fasting. He said that we cannot pick and choose, but rather all three disciplines are important. He said that fasting was more than abstaining from food it was also about denying ourselves. It was a good message for me to hear in light of my involvement with the clothing room of a local ministry.

I know that this is a time of preparation for the new season of life God has for me.

A Grandmother's Love

When I think about “love”, my mind is immediately drawn to my paternal grandmother Reva Tomlinson.

I am the eldest of three girls, but not the eldest granddaughter on my father’s side of the family. Grandma Tomlinson always wanted to have a daughter but she only had two sons, my father being her youngest. I had a special place in my grandmother’s heart and she in mine. I enjoyed spending time with her even into my teenage years.

My high school, Lawrence Park Collegiate Institute, was located near the street my grandparents lived on. There were times when I would walk along Brookdale Avenue, toward their home and the burdens of the day would slip away. Grandma would welcome me in and of course I would be offered some milk and cookies. Grandma loved to bake and she would have at least three tins of different cookies. She stored her cookie tins in the back porch, which was unheated. Sometimes I would be invited to stay for supper and then later my grandfather would drive me home.

  One time I stayed at their home for two weeks while my parents went abroad since it was close to my high school. My younger sisters stayed at our home and were cared for by my maternal grandparents as they needed to be close to their elementary school. I even went to my uncle’s cottage with Grandma and Grandpa Tomlinson for a couple of days. I loved spending time with them and hearing their stories. Although, to my chagrin, I did complain to my dad on occasion that I had heard those stories repeated too many times. At the time I thought I would always remember every detail since I heard them so often. I wish that I had taken the time to record those stories in some form other than trying to rely solely on my memory.

I remember one time as a young preteen wanting to make Grandma beautiful for when Grandpa came home from work. For special occasions or when she was going out Reva wore rouge and face powder, which she allowed me to use on her. I also chose some clip-on earrings for her to wear with a matching necklace and even a broach. I can remember Grandpa playing along and commenting on how beautiful she looked, even if she was a tad overdressed!

Grandma loved to sew and when I was younger she sewed me and my dolls matching outfits. Reva made all her own clothes including her matching hats as she had once worked as a milliner. I loved to watch her sew and when I was old enough I asked her to teach me to sew. My mother had the same sewing machine and I was not allowed to touch it, but my grandmother took the time to teach me one-on-one. I also took sewing at school in junior high and later at summer school. I remember going to a fabric store with my grandparents to pick out some special polyester blend that I could use to make some outfits. That was in the seventies so that type of fabric was all the rage!

Grandma made each of the six grandchildren a traditional quilt and a yo-yo quilt. I remember one time my grandmother gave me some rather explicit advice to not let my husband love me on top of the yo-yo quilt as it would crush it. Grandma had a healthy view of the conjugal relationship and on occasion she did slip in some comments. She just said this so nonchalantly but as usual I was quite embarrassed.

My grandparents sold their home on Brookdale Avenue and moved to an apartment in Scarborough. We also moved from Willowdale to Downsview and I changed high schools for my final two years. If I wanted to visit my grandparents now I needed to take the TTC or get a drive with my parents. My grandfather passed away and Grandma stayed on in the apartment until she could no longer cook for herself. Reva was moved into the nursing home part of the complex, Shepherd Manor, where she could eat in a dining room with other seniors. Her move and further downsizing coincided with my family’s recent move to a bigger house and my upcoming marriage.

Grandma gave me her sewing machine and some money as a wedding gift. She had instructed me to trade in the sewing machine and add the money in order to purchase a newer fancier sewing machine. I could not bring myself to do it. I thought about all the clothes and other articles she had sewn with this machine and that if she was able to do all that with this machine then I would use it too. One time when I brought the machine in for service the serviceman said that it is a great machine and will keep working well as long as I maintain it. I have sewn many clothes for myself and my family as well as other items. I have used some of the attachments such as the buttonholer and the zipper foot but there are some fancier ones that I have yet to use.

The final item my grandmother gave me was her engagement ring. I didn’t receive it until after she had passed away. Grandma had noticed that I did not have an engagement ring and she told me that when she died she wanted me to have it. I had the ring resized as it was too big and now I wear that ring only on special occasions as I want to preserve it.

One day I thought about some of the items I have from Grandma Tomlinson and I was overwhelmed by the love that each item represented. Grandma passed on the love of a spouse; the love of family; the love of cooking and baking; the love of sewing; and the love of God. Grandma prayed for our family to come to know Jesus as our Lord and Saviour and she rejoiced when we did come to faith. I know that one day I will see her again and what a day of rejoicing that will be!

He Doesn't Live Here Anymore

I filled the kettle with water for the morning and then I remembered
He doesn’t live here anymore
As I was making up the orange juice I realized it was lasting longer
He doesn’t live here anymore
I don’t need to refill the honey jar as often
He doesn’t live here anymore
When I was at Costco I realized I don’t need to buy three packages of English muffins
He doesn’t live here anymore
I stripped his bed; washed the sheets & duvet cover and stored them in the linen closet
He doesn’t live here anymore
I washed his remaining clothes and I packed them in bags
He doesn’t live here anymore
I packed up odds and ends in boxes that he had left behind
He doesn’t live here anymore
When I was hanging up the bath towels I remembered I didn’t need one for him
He doesn’t live here anymore
I don’t need to ask him if he’ll be home for supper
He doesn’t live here anymore
All of the cars now fit in the driveway
He doesn’t live here anymore
I was the last person up so I shut off the living room light before I went to bed
He doesn’t live here anymore

( These were the things I noticed in the first couple of weeks after our eldest son, Chris, was married. The phrase "He doesn't live here anymore" came to mind  and I started writing down the changes I noticed.)

Learning To Sift

I am learning to sift out the things that God wants me to do from the things that I could do. It is funny how I have things I can do, yet I still long for the “big thing”. I know that life is made up of many little things. My first priority is to my family and my home, then to others. Of course God is first, but I am to serve God first by serving my family and then others. I am not to feel pressured to do everything that comes along.


In thinking about the pressure I feel about taking part in certain things, I see the root of the compulsion that drives me or condemns me is part of the past legalism and wanting to be well-thought-of and not ill-thought-of. Sometimes others have great expectations of us to do for them beyond what we are comfortable with or are capable. I need to give the burdens of others to God and not take any ownership of always having to do something. As I was praying about what God wanted me to do I sensed God saying “My sheep hear my voice and follow Me.” I need to follow what God wants me to do.

As I was lying in bed I had the thought “I want to do great things for God”. God then said to “remove ‘for God’ and what do you have? “ “I want to do great things”. I sensed God saying that often we have great aspirations, or aspiration to greatness, and we try to couch it in religious terms. It is almost as if we think that we are honoring God. We can honour God through little things that go unseen by others.

These thoughts and impressions have come from my journaling over this past year. As I have read through my journal, I have noticed the many times God used me in various ways. I do not need a title or an official ministry to be able to minister to others. God is the One who has ordained me and called me to serve Him. He will provide opportunities for me to serve. I can take encouragement from the fact that I am prepared and ready to serve. I am not using my gifts on an ongoing basis, but rather sporadically as the opportunities unfold. I know that God is in control. He is the One who made me; He is the One who gave me talents and abilities. It is at His discretion that He has given me certain spiritual gifts. God knows that I desire to be used.

During an evening of worship I had a picture in my mind of a giant hand at my side. I had thought that God had been preventing me from going somewhere or doing something, but through this picture I saw that God wanted to direct me where to go. His hand was protecting me and directing me. It was not as a hand in the stop position. I then realized that God did have a plan and I was walking in His plan. The desires I have deep inside are the fuel that gives me the desire or motivation to do what God has called me to do. I cannot make anything happen; I need to rely solely on God. Later, God impressed on my heart and spirit that He can and will direct if the “call” needs to come from someone rather than me volunteering on my own. My obedience to God’s call is either proactive by stepping out and volunteering to do something; or submissive by responding to requests to do something. I don’t need to be burdened by a desire to do something big for God; or be involved in some great purpose. God’s purpose for my life will be fulfilled and is being fulfilled.

An Allegorical Autobiography

I am a member of a Christian writer's group, "The Writer's Nest".  We were to write a short autobiography for our meeting this month. I left it till the day of the meeting, which was this past Tuesday evening, as I am a procrastinator. I attempted to form an outline, but I was at a loss as to how I would sum up so much. I decided to read through a binder of my writings. I came across the following story of an aspect of my spiritual journey to wholeness. It was written on September 29, 2006. I decided to read this account as my contribution to our monthly meeting as an allegorical autobiography. I received a positive response and encouragement that others would be blessed to hear my story.

I was thinking that I could write about the part of me that has been hidden away or missing for all these years. I could write about her/me as a young woman, who I discover is alive and related to me and that I did not know. I could give her feelings and desires and abilities which are present, but that I find hard to express in my "grown up" "controlled" life. I sense that by doing this in the third person I will be able to bypass anything that could hinder.

I sense that she is a real person and I know that she desires to be acknowledged. She has a joy for life. She loves to dance,sing and write. She loves to read and write poetry. She has a vivid imagination.

It is almost as if she is waiting in the wings and will soon be revealed on stage. Not that she is going to act or perform, but rather she is going to tell her story. I have a picture of her standing behind a podium and she is going to begin telling her story. I sense that she is overcome with emotion and relief that she is finally able to tell her story, that it is a safe place. She has been the "keeper of her story" for so long and now she is finally free to share it.

I was wondering what I would call her since I did not always want to refer to her as "she" and not name her. I sensed that I could call her Ann, for that is one of her/my names. She would have liked to be named Anne with an "e", because Ann seemed too short and simple. Ann was and is a vibrant young woman, She has spunk and a zest for life. Ann easily identified with Anne of Green Gables. There really is "a lot of scope for the imagination" Ann has a vivid imagination. She is able to create in the smallest detail all that she needs to create her imagined world.

Ann, outwardly plain and simple, was really "Anne" inwardly. In some ways she was like Cinderella in that she was relegated to the life of "dos" and "don'ts".There was a sense of tragedy about Ann; unrealized expectations and unfulfilled dreams; of what ifs, and if only; and what might have been.

Ann was a romantic at heart. She loved the fairytale love stories where a prince comes to save the heroine from a life of drudgery and all her dreams come true. One of Ann's favorite stories from childhood was "The Princess and the Pea". It was a rather unbelievable story in that a princess did not get a good night's sleep because there was a pea hidden under a layer of maybe one hundred or so mattresses. This proved that she was a genuine princess even though she was not dressed like one. I think that there is a longing in every young girl to be a princess. There are many things that seek to tear away at that, but then one day we discover that we are princesses, much like in the story "The Princess Diaries" . I think that I was looking for my own Prince Charming to rescue me from my tower. I thought that he was a man, yet I now realize that it is the Lord Jesus; and He is not only a Prince, but He  is a King.

I sense that Jesus is standing in the wings and encouraging me. He is looking at me with eyes of love.

Those who do not have a rich inner life cannot understand its mysteries. They are unaware of the many rooms that I have in my life. Some are interconnected, while others are like secret inner chambers that can only be discovered by taking the time to pass through many corridors, twists and turns. I have described it as "the attic of my life" That was where I stored my various hopes, dreams and loves. That is where I will take you. I have taken some of my past loves and desires, and blown off the dust and cobwebs. I have brought some of them into my present life. I used to visit my attic from time to time and wish that I could have these things in my life. I was sad that they were stored away, collecting dust. I did not realize that they were gifts that God had given me to be used in my life. I did not realize that He had given me those desires and abilities. I had listened to the lies of the enemy. I thought that it was God's will for it was messengers who said they were God's messengers. I did not realize that they too were imprisoned and needed the Prince to rescue them from their tower of religion.

What I sense is that now that Ann is revealed and known, she can be ministered to. Ann needs to be affirmed; her gifts, talents and abilities need to affirmed and matured. Ann needs to be taught and trained so that her abilities can be strengthened and improved. She has a lot to learn and a journey ahead to catch up.

I sense that this time in my life has been a time of makeover and transformation; strengthening and training. It is a time of preparation. I sense that I have been in a time of much concentrated teaching and learning and adjusting. The time for the "big reveal" is at hand. I am reminded of the training and transformation that happened in "The Princess Diaries". I too have had others come alongside me both spiritually and naturally.

I have the sense that Ann is being given a standing ovation. It is almost thunderous applause. There is such a deep sense of appreciation for her keeping and guarding these gifts and abilities. She stood watch and did not allow the enemy to steal them or to destroy them. She kept them alive through her memories of them. Now is the time for her to hand over these gifts, talents and abilities for me to take them to new levels and new dimensions. Ann was the guardian of these gifts, but I am the rightful owner of these gifts. They were given to me by God and He wants them to be a part of my life. There is a definite transfer and a maturing will come to each of these areas.

I can see myself behind the podium. I am accepting these gifts. "Lord, I receive and accept, and take as mine: the gifts of communication; dance; writing; imagination; and singing." I am now taking them and placing them before the altar. I am giving these gifts, strengths and abilities to God, for Him to bless them. I desire for God to use me anew and afresh in each of these areas. I desire to be balanced in every area of my life.

God has honoured these desires and prayers, and I have written about many of them in my various blog posts.

New Beginnings

Last night I attended a local Christian writers' group meeting and our topic was "new beginnings". It had been a couple of years since I had last attended, so this was an appropriate night for me to return. The following is my reflection on the topic of "new beginnings":

A new beginning can encompass a completely new endeavor or a fresh start at one which was previously attempted or enjoyed. I thought about the farmers who plant again every year. It is a sign of perseverance and faith that they will reap a harvest. A child learning to ride a bike needs to begin anew each time he or she gets on the bicycle until he or she can ride successfully without falling. I have desired to write more frequently so coming again to this writers' group is my act of faith and perseverance.

A new beginning can also be a new way of doing a previous skill or ministry. A neighbour and I are going to start praying together for our neighbours next week. She told me that twenty years ago she used to have such a time of prayer for the neighbours.

A new beginning is not the end or conclusion of a matter, but rather the first steps on a journey, in a process; or as a foundation for other new beginnings to be built upon. On Sunday, an elder at my church preached about a vision for a new outreach to the young families that are moving to Bradford. As he spoke, my heart was stirred to pray for this new planning committee and their plans and procedures. I have a passion to mentor and come alongside younger moms and this outreach will target those very families. By praying for this committee, and later for the actual outreach, I am laying a foundation. It is not the end goal just to have more young families, but for them to come to faith in Jesus and grow in their walk with God. Other future beginnings will be the various ministries to meet those very needs.

I can attempt new beginnings with the confidence that the outcomes are in God's hands. Should a first attempt not work out, I can always begin again in a new or different way.