A phrase from a song was going over in my mind “my will to live is for You”. It is from the song You Surround Me by Brian Doerksen on the album You Shine. I was thinking how God does surround me. He gives me the will to live; and not to just live, but live for Him. The words for the song include the Gaelic words and their translation. The English phrase is “my whole will to live is for You, You’ve awakened me to know” the translation of the Gaelic is “You gave meaning and sense to my life; You’ve awakened my heart”. I can’t live “my life” without God. My life can be my physical life or all that transpires in my life.
A few years ago I celebrated my 50th birthday. I did not have any regret or anxiety to have reached such an age. I was thankful to be alive. I have been cancer-free since April 2008. I am a cancer survivor. It does not define me entirely, but it is like a frame in which the rest of what makes me “me” is displayed. I say that it is a frame because I cannot erase the past, nor undo the consequences. Yet cancer does not direct my life.
I cannot explain why God healed me and others have not been healed. I am thankful for God’s mercy, grace and compassion toward me. I was listening to a song about God showing up and I thought, “He did! He healed me!” I started to cry because I realized that I had been afraid that I would die when I was first diagnosed with cancer. It seemed like a death sentence. I even had to battle fear of dying when I went for the operation. I had such a sense of gratefulness to God for preserving my life and healing me from ovarian cancer.
I was seeking the Lord as to what my response was to be concerning a woman from our church who was on life support. I was to look to the Lord; keep my eyes on Jesus. Just like the Israelites had to look at the bronze snake on the pole. I was not to look at anyone else as a sign of God’s plan or faithfulness to me personally. I was to continue trusting God to restore me and strengthen me. She was in God’s hands. I was in God’s hands. My life does not need to impact hundreds. I only need to be faithful to God and obedient to Him. The word God gave to me is “Follow Me.” The story about Peter asking Jesus about John had come to mind. I sensed God saying to me about that woman dying – “What is that to you? “You must follow Me.”
I was again feeling burdened to do something big for God or to have “great impact on others”. A former co-host on 100 Huntley Street , was diagnosed with a malignant brain tumour. I was feeling guilty or condemned that God had healed me and what did I have to show for it? As I read an update I heard God say to me in my spirit, “Do you trust Me? I am in control”. My eyes were opened to see that I am faithful to use the gifts, talents and abilities God has given me. God does not require of me to do more or to be something that I am not. It is by God’s grace and mercy that I have been spared. I need to continue to follow Jesus, no matter what happens to anyone else who is, or seems to be, more gifted than me. God is sovereign and He has a plan for each of us individually including the fact that these women were not healed in this life. I can still thank God that He healed me, while thanking Him that these women are now with Him. It is not pride or arrogance. I have never felt that I deserved to live or that I was more worthy or special. I am blown away by the intervention of God. I believed that He would heal me and He did.
Recently I shared about my health tests and how I struggled with already having my quota of miracles. It isn’t that I consciously thought that, but God exposed that lie. One morning words from a song came to mind and I was singing them – “choose to be a blessing for life”. It is from the song “The Blessing” by Troy Denning. I think that this is part of my life’s passion – that I would be a blessing for life. My heart belongs to Jesus. I will speak the words of life. I want to leave behind a legacy of blessing for life. I see now through this episode of unsure health issues that I want to choose to be a blessing for life. I choose life. I don’t want to die. I want to live. It is not selfish or self-seeking to want to live and not die. I desire to continue to be a blessing to others. I am grateful to God for the way He intervenes in my life.
[I wrote the above post in response to the Writers' Nest monthly topic. God had impressed upon me these "Life Lessons", which I have gleaned from my journals kept over the past seven years.]