Obeying God's Leading

A new interdenominational Bible study session was starting at the end of January, but I had sensed that I was not to be a part of this. At the time I didn't have anything else that I was going to do in its place so I needed to trust God was leading me and I was praying for Him to use my spiritual gifts.

In early January I was impacted by the Lord during the Sunday morning service. I sensed His touch, but I did not yet have an impression or direction. On account of this sense of God's touch I decided to go to the church for "In The Stillness", which is a time of worship, prayer and waiting on God. As I sat before the Lord two phrases came to mind a couple of minutes apart. "He restores my soul" and "Be still my soul". I found three verses from the Bible that went along with those phrases - Psalm 37:7; Psalm 46:10; Zechariah 2:13. As I meditated on them and the phrases God had spoken to me I wrote down my impressions.

I need to wait patiently for the Lord; the Lord is the One who will do it. He is to be exalted through my life. It is not in my own strength. He will restore to me what the enemy has stolen. He will restore my soul as I wait upon Him. The Lord has roused Himself; He will act on my behalf. I don't need to strive. He will lead me in the way I should go.

Ten days later God brought to my mind what He had said to me several years ago regarding not getting tied into a ministry. I decided to read over the "words" as I have them in my dresser drawer. This one is from June 2006.

"I have not wanted you tied down to any one or to any ministry. I want you to go where I tell you; to speak to those I bring to you; to pray for those I lay upon your heart. I want you to be sensitive to My voice, listening for my plan, not thinking ahead, but living in each moment. Be watchful, be observant. Be sensitive to the prodding of My Spirit. Don't try to reason it out. Just step out in faith and I will show you the next step. I will lead you one step at a time. Don't try to second-guess when you have stepped out - leave the results to me. I will lead you and you will reap a harvest. You will see with your eyes and hear with your ears the results of all that you have sown. It might not be in the way you think, but it will surely come...."

I have felt as if I am in another time of dying to self. It is an ongoing process. The issue I am facing now is that it is not known that I was a Bible study leader; that I wrote my own studies; that I was an intercessor; that I ... My gifts are recognized, but I am treated as if I am beginning or need more experience. I think that God is allowing that so that I will be humble and not think more highly of myself than I ought.

I am now a part of a new Tuesday morning prayer group at my church and there are some new people who have recently come to our church that are also taking part. After this week's prayer meeting I was talking with two of them. Our pastor is going through the book of 1 Corinthians and will be offering a course on the spiritual gifts on Sunday evenings starting in late March. Through the course of our conversation I had the idea of offering a daytime course on spiritual gifts since they both work nights. I mentioned the possibility to them and if a Thursday morning would work and they said it would. I told them I would need to get the pastor's approval and he was in a meeting so I couldn't give them a definite yes or no if that would happen. The secretary wrote a note with my idea and I received approval from the pastor the next day. I will be starting on February 27 as I want to allow a couple of weeks to announce this so that more people will be able to take part.

I knew that I wasn't supposed to be involved in the local Bible study this time because I wanted to use my spiritual gifts. I didn't have anything before me to do but I really sensed that I needed to obey God's leading. When I checked the local ministry's website I saw that course runs for 8 weeks and will still be on when I teach the spiritual gifts course.

A Passion For Ministry

Yesterday we had a guest speaker at church. He is a pastor to the workers at Christian Horizons, a Christian organization that ministers to those with "exceptional needs". He spoke about having a passion and ministering out of it. I had a passion and I was ministering out of it. I was using my gifts, talents and abilities as well. Instead of being "fired up" by the message I became depressed and angry. The doors to past ministry are firmly shut and no new doors have opened up.

This morning I was thinking about it and my response had been one of resignation. I had a "what's the use?" type of response and I was quenching my passion. I had the impression of great pressure being put on me to "squeeze" me into acting. I spent too many years in believing the lie "what's the use?". God had put tremendous pressure on me to push me out of my comfort zone and venture out to discover what He had for me.

I know that I am not yet strong enough to physically venture out. I know that I need to continue to heal. I am content in that aspect - I need to be because I cannot push my body. When I have felt well enough, I have done too much and I have paid for it the next day by being exhausted. I need to keep my passion alive while I wait and regain my strength.

I wanted to add a scripture, so I asked the Lord for one. He reminded me of the scripture an elder had read to close the morning service. At the time I thought it was an odd choice, but now it makes sense to me.

"The eyes of the Lord search the whole earth in order to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to him." 2 Chronicles 16:9a (NLT)

That is God's promise to me.

Looking To The Future

I am starting to look to the future. I will be having my last chemo treatment on February 7th, in order to completely eradicate any possible microscopic cancer cells. My hair is starting to grow again with this break from chemo so I know that it will grow again. I am doing quite well physically considering I've had major surgery.

I was recently given a book "I Saw The Lord" by Ann Graham Lotz. In it she mentions that the storms of life often hold God's message to us. I decided to read through my journal to see what God might be saying to me. I read my entries leading up to my diagnosis and then throughout this time of dealing with ovarian cancer. The main theme that stands out to me is to "trust and wait"; also that God has a plan for my life. I know that there are things that I can do once I have recovered from surgery and chemo. I need to take one day at a time and not try to plan out my whole future.

"For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11 (NLT)

When God Seems Silent

I had been wanting to know what my passion or purpose was. I was wanting to have a specific focus or area that I would be burdened and passionate about. There were areas that I could serve. I could possibly volunteer at Mercy House, but every time I went to fill out the form I couldn't get anywhere; my heart wasn't in it and I didn't feel that this was "it". The Bible Studies were starting up at the Hub and I was going to be able to attend one during the day. There was the opportunity to be a discussion leader for the study. I started to make inquiries, but I was not excited about it.

I found this all strange, here were two opportunities I could use my gifts, talents, abilities and passions and yet I didn't sense a "go forward" from God. It seemed as if God was silent.

I received the answer to the reason for God's silence on these cries of my heart. They were not the things He wanted to answer right now. I needed to focus my attention on healing, health and wholeness and not doing anything ministry wise.

When I received my diagnosis of ovarian cancer I was thankful that God had not answered those cries for a passion and purpose for ministry. I was in no state to even consider such ministry as my time would be focused on undergoing treatment and coming through this time victoriously.

God's word to me during this whole time has been "Wait and Trust". I know that God has good plans plans for my life. I have been encouraged through His word and other people.

"I will not die but live, and will proclaim what the Lord has done". Psalm 118: 17 (NIV)

A Time of Waiting

I think that waiting is one of the hardest things to do.

Wanting
Action/answers
I 
Trust

Total
Rest
Understanding
Submission
Truth

"Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." Psalm 27:14 (NIV)

"I will wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope. My soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning, more than watchmen wait for the morning." Psalm 130: 5,6 (NIV)

"Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him!" Isaiah 30 :18 (NIV)