A phrase from a song was going over in my mind “my will to live is for You”. It is from
the song You Surround Me by Brian
Doerksen on the album You Shine. I
was thinking how God does surround me. He gives me the will to live; and not to
just live, but live for Him. The words for the song include the Gaelic words
and their translation. The English phrase is “my whole will to live is for You, You’ve awakened me to know” the
translation of the Gaelic is “You gave
meaning and sense to my life; You’ve awakened my heart”. I can’t live “my
life” without God. My life can be my physical life or all that transpires in my
life.
A few years ago I celebrated my 50th
birthday. I did not have any regret or anxiety to have reached such an age. I was
thankful to be alive. I have been cancer-free since April 2008. I am a cancer
survivor. It does not define me entirely, but it is like a frame in which the
rest of what makes me “me” is displayed. I say that it is a frame because I
cannot erase the past, nor undo the consequences. Yet cancer does not direct my
life.
I cannot explain why God healed me and others have
not been healed. I am thankful for God’s mercy, grace and compassion toward me.
I was listening to a song about God showing up and I thought, “He did! He
healed me!” I started to cry because I realized that I had been afraid that I
would die when I was first diagnosed with cancer. It seemed like a death
sentence. I even had to battle fear of dying when I went for the operation. I
had such a sense of gratefulness to God for preserving my life and healing me
from ovarian cancer.
I was seeking the Lord as to what my response was to
be concerning a woman from our church who was on life support. I was to look to
the Lord; keep my eyes on Jesus. Just like the Israelites had to look at the
bronze snake on the pole. I was not to look at anyone else as a sign of God’s
plan or faithfulness to me personally. I was to continue trusting God to restore
me and strengthen me. She was in God’s hands. I was in God’s hands. My life
does not need to impact hundreds. I only need to be faithful to God and
obedient to Him. The word God gave to me is “Follow Me.” The story about Peter asking Jesus about John had come
to mind. I sensed God saying to me about that woman dying – “What is that to you? “You must follow Me.”
I was again feeling burdened to do something big for
God or to have “great impact on others”. A former co-host on 100 Huntley Street
, was diagnosed with a malignant brain tumour. I was feeling guilty or
condemned that God had healed me and what did I have to show for it? As I read
an update I heard God say to me in my spirit, “Do you trust Me? I am in control”. My eyes were opened to see that
I am faithful to use the gifts, talents and abilities God has given me. God
does not require of me to do more or to be something that I am not. It is by
God’s grace and mercy that I have been spared. I need to continue to follow
Jesus, no matter what happens to anyone else who is, or seems to be, more gifted
than me. God is sovereign and He has a plan for each of us individually
including the fact that these women were not healed in this life. I can still thank God that He healed
me, while thanking Him that these women are now with Him. It is not pride or
arrogance. I have never felt that I deserved to live or that I was more worthy or special. I am blown away by the
intervention of God. I believed that He would heal me and He did.
Recently I shared about my health tests and how I
struggled with already having my quota of miracles. It isn’t that I consciously
thought that, but God exposed that lie.
One morning words from a song came to mind and I was singing them –
“choose to be a blessing for life”. It is from the song “The Blessing” by Troy Denning. I think that this is part of my
life’s passion – that I would be a blessing for life. My heart belongs to
Jesus. I will speak the words of life. I want to leave behind a legacy of
blessing for life. I see now through this episode of unsure health issues that
I want to choose to be a blessing for life. I choose life. I don’t want to die.
I want to live. It is not selfish or self-seeking to want to live and not die.
I desire to continue to be a blessing to others. I am grateful to God for the
way He intervenes in my life.
[I wrote the above post in response to the Writers' Nest monthly topic. God had impressed upon me these "Life Lessons", which I have gleaned from my journals kept over the past seven years.]
