Grappling With Loss

I have just returned from a mid-week conference,"Unleashing Creativity", at Singing Waters, a Christian retreat centre near Orangeville . I took a writers' workshop as one of my options. In talking with the facilitator I agreed to revisit Hosea 2:14,15 and attempt to write from my experience. The following is what resulted from that exercise.

I felt as though God had tricked me. I know that He isn't treacherous and He always does what is good and right. I thought He was going to bless me and bring me to a place of greater blessing. He was speaking words of hope; words of promise. I thought that now would be the time of fulfillment. After all why would God promise such great things to me if He was only going to lead me into a time of hardship? It seemed like a false promise, much like Hollywood or advertising holds out. It was like grasping for something, only to discover that it was a hologram and not the real thing.

He was so convincing; all signs pointed to the soon fulfillment of the prophetic words. They didn't originate in my heart and mind, but in the heart of God. I was so sure that they were true. But how could I reconcile those words of life with the death that surrounded me? The stench of death was almost unbearable. It seemed as if everything was destroyed. It happened so suddenly, without warning. It was like a fire that quickly starts and suddenly it is raging out of control and it destroys everything in its path. How did this destruction fit in with the plan of a loving God? How could I reconcile this great loss with the past promises?

Yet when I listened I could hear God speaking to me. He had not changed. His words were still full of love, concern, and compassion. God's love for me never diminished. Instead I was able to hear Him more clearly because there were no distractions. I was still standing because God was with me.As the awareness of God's abiding presence grew more clearly I was able to experience the new things that lay before me. I needed to keep walking; to keep moving forward or else I would be defeated. I had to continue on.

As I branched out into the new areas that opened up to me I felt at home. It was like riding a bicycle after many years- it comes back to you naturally. It might be a bit awkward at first, but then you settle into a natural rhythm.

I had been limiting God to my understanding of His words to me. I thought He was going to bring me to a new level of fruitfulness the easy way. I didn't know that the pruning would be so deep and so severe. It is like a bush that is cut back until it almost looks dead; and then in the spring there is new life and the bush is healthier than before. That was what God was intending for my life as well. He knew that I would not be as fruitful or able to be used as powerfully if I wasn't brought to the desert place. It is through the experiences there that I have gotten stronger. It is not my strength, but His strength flowing through me.