Obeying God's Leading

A new interdenominational Bible study session was starting at the end of January, but I had sensed that I was not to be a part of this. At the time I didn't have anything else that I was going to do in its place so I needed to trust God was leading me and I was praying for Him to use my spiritual gifts.

In early January I was impacted by the Lord during the Sunday morning service. I sensed His touch, but I did not yet have an impression or direction. On account of this sense of God's touch I decided to go to the church for "In The Stillness", which is a time of worship, prayer and waiting on God. As I sat before the Lord two phrases came to mind a couple of minutes apart. "He restores my soul" and "Be still my soul". I found three verses from the Bible that went along with those phrases - Psalm 37:7; Psalm 46:10; Zechariah 2:13. As I meditated on them and the phrases God had spoken to me I wrote down my impressions.

I need to wait patiently for the Lord; the Lord is the One who will do it. He is to be exalted through my life. It is not in my own strength. He will restore to me what the enemy has stolen. He will restore my soul as I wait upon Him. The Lord has roused Himself; He will act on my behalf. I don't need to strive. He will lead me in the way I should go.

Ten days later God brought to my mind what He had said to me several years ago regarding not getting tied into a ministry. I decided to read over the "words" as I have them in my dresser drawer. This one is from June 2006.

"I have not wanted you tied down to any one or to any ministry. I want you to go where I tell you; to speak to those I bring to you; to pray for those I lay upon your heart. I want you to be sensitive to My voice, listening for my plan, not thinking ahead, but living in each moment. Be watchful, be observant. Be sensitive to the prodding of My Spirit. Don't try to reason it out. Just step out in faith and I will show you the next step. I will lead you one step at a time. Don't try to second-guess when you have stepped out - leave the results to me. I will lead you and you will reap a harvest. You will see with your eyes and hear with your ears the results of all that you have sown. It might not be in the way you think, but it will surely come...."

I have felt as if I am in another time of dying to self. It is an ongoing process. The issue I am facing now is that it is not known that I was a Bible study leader; that I wrote my own studies; that I was an intercessor; that I ... My gifts are recognized, but I am treated as if I am beginning or need more experience. I think that God is allowing that so that I will be humble and not think more highly of myself than I ought.

I am now a part of a new Tuesday morning prayer group at my church and there are some new people who have recently come to our church that are also taking part. After this week's prayer meeting I was talking with two of them. Our pastor is going through the book of 1 Corinthians and will be offering a course on the spiritual gifts on Sunday evenings starting in late March. Through the course of our conversation I had the idea of offering a daytime course on spiritual gifts since they both work nights. I mentioned the possibility to them and if a Thursday morning would work and they said it would. I told them I would need to get the pastor's approval and he was in a meeting so I couldn't give them a definite yes or no if that would happen. The secretary wrote a note with my idea and I received approval from the pastor the next day. I will be starting on February 27 as I want to allow a couple of weeks to announce this so that more people will be able to take part.

I knew that I wasn't supposed to be involved in the local Bible study this time because I wanted to use my spiritual gifts. I didn't have anything before me to do but I really sensed that I needed to obey God's leading. When I checked the local ministry's website I saw that course runs for 8 weeks and will still be on when I teach the spiritual gifts course.

Getting Lost & Then Finding My Self

I was prompted by a blog post to look at this topic [*] differently and apply it to my true self getting lost in the process of dying to self. I came to faith in Jesus when I was a young teenager. At the time I was beginning to discover and develop into who I was as an individual. I was taking university level courses with the aim in mind of pursuing further education. I also took a creative writing course one semester since I desired to write.  I took interpretive dance classes for several years and I even had an opportunity to do interpretive dance in a Christian setting which I enjoyed. We moved and then life got busy with work and church restrictions lessened the importance and desirability of dance classes.

There were two decisive factors which led me to forgo pursuing further education. We came under a legalistic method of living which precluded further education for women at a secular university. The second omen-like factor was that the number assigned to me for my university application included the numbers 666, which is the number of the antichrist. We were convinced that Jesus was coming soon and I did not want to do anything that would make me unworthy of escaping the Great Tribulation.

 Well about thirty years passed and I fulfilled a longing I had for further education by taking a bridging course for women which was sponsored by York University Women’s Program.  While I did well in that course I did not decide to pursue further education at that time. It satisfied my longing and validated my ability which was further confirmed when I was asked to write an essay about my experience taking this course. The program was celebrating their 25^th year with the publication of a book, which would contain essays by a few women from the hundreds who had taken this course. Taking this bridging course and doing well and then writing an essay for the book nudged me in the direction of pursuing writing; joining a writers’ group; and creating a blog.

Over the years I longed to have the opportunity to do creative dance again in the context of worship.  About seven years ago a young woman taught several dance workshops at my church. I enjoyed taking part and she invited me to be a part of a group of ladies who would do a liturgical dance at our church for the Christmas Eve service. I felt alive when I was taking part in this and while many people were surprised to see me dancing, they felt that I was good at it. One of the women in the group encouraged me to take adult ballet classes at a local dance studio where the young woman taught classes. After my first dance class some of the women commented that I was a natural and that they could tell that I once took dance. That was an encouragement to me and I continued to take the classes for another full year. I had the opportunity to perform in a special worship celebration service at a church the month before I was diagnosed with stage 3 Ovarian Cancer.

It has been a journey of discovering who I really am as an individual and what it means to deny myself as a follower of Christ. I now have a greater understanding that God created me to be creative, which includes the ability to write and to dance. I am still learning to deny myself by not giving in to selfishness and allowing the Holy Spirit to express the fruit of the Spirit in my life. I now realize that both statements are not in conflict nor do they contradict each other. So I can be a woman who writes, dances, and exhibits the fruit of the Spirit, all to the glory of God.

* ["Getting Lost" was this evening's topic for the writers' group.]

My Ovarian Cancer Journey

Ovarian Cancer has been described as "the disease that whispers".  Looking back I heard the whispers, but I did not know what they meant. The summer of 2007 I noticed that I had a small "pot" that was hard, but I did not do anything about it. I thought that I would mention it when I had my physical in the fall. Others had noticed my "pot", but at the time had only thought I had gained some weight. While we were at a cottage, I started to experience indigestion and bloating. I went to my family doctor when I returned home. She had initially thought that I might have a blocked intestine so she put me on stool softeners and a laxative; and she arranged for me to see a bowel specialist.

I was becoming increasingly uncomfortable as my abdomen increased in size. My husband took me to Emergency. The attending doctor was uninformed about Ovarian Cancer so he suggested that maybe I was pregnant and did not know it. When it was discovered that I had had ultrasounds earlier in the week, the staff were able to obtain the results, which recommended that I have a CAT scan.

On the following Monday my husband and I drove to Orillia. The bowel specialist told us that after looking at my ultrasounds I did not need his care as it was not a blocked intestine. We shared about our experience at Southlake and the recommendation for me to get a CAT scan. The doctor informed us that he was chief of staff at the Orillia hospital and he would personally arrange for me to have a CAT scan that day. He said he would also arrange to have the results immediately so he could personally direct us to the correct specialist. Finally we were getting somewhere!

My doctor obtained the written results the next day, and we met with her the following day to discuss the findings. By this time I was very uncomfortable and I was having trouble breathing. My husband insisted that something be done for me. My doctor arranged for me to go to Emergency at Southlake and the chief internist would examine me there. The specialist examined me and told me that they were going to admit me until they not only discovered what was causing this, but also began the appropriate treatment.

Several days later, I was visited by a nursing assistant from the oncology department and informed that I did have a tumour on my ovary. She talked in general terms and I did not expect that it would be serious. I thought that it might be only Stage I Ovarian Cancer. I asked her for information regarding Ovarian Cancer since I had never heard of it before that day.

Later that evening the oncologist came and informed me that I had Stage III Ovarian Cancer and that I would need to have my ovaries removed as well as a hysterectomy. She told me that I needed chemotherapy and that I would lose my hair. My husband and I met with the surgeon on a Wednesday, two weeks after I was first admitted to Southlake, and I began chemotherapy the next day as an inpatient. I was then released from the hospital the following day and I had the remainder of my chemo as an outpatient.

When I had Ovarian Cancer and was undergoing treatment I felt as though I was a "prisoner" in my own body. I had no real control over my body or my life at that time. The cancer caused my body to react by producing fluid (ascites) in my abdomen, which I needed to have drained on several occasions. It was rather scary the first time, but I wanted relief. I also had lost a lot of weight - probably between 25 and 30 pounds. Many times right after receiving chemo I did not feel like eating for the first few days, or I was too nauseous to keep anything down. I was trying to regain weight in order to build up my strength to cope with the chemo treatments. These were times I would not want to repeat.

I had another CA125 blood test that showed a significant decrease in the levels after two rounds of chemo. The numbers went from 4095 down to 278; the normal range is 0-35. I knew that the cancer was not spreading, but was being destroyed! After my third round of chemo my CA125 was 58. I had a total of four rounds of chemo and then I had my surgery five weeks later followed by two more rounds of chemo.

When I was taken to the operating room my husband went to wait in the designated waiting room. There was a screen that displayed the patients' names, operating room numbers, starting time of surgery and when surgery finished. After an hour and a quarter my operation stated "closed", which meant that the operation was over. My husband asked the volunteer about that and she said it must be a mistake, but fifteen minutes later the surgeon appeared and called Dan's name. He met with the surgeon in a small room. The surgeon said "This was quite astounding; we were not able to find any cancer." My husband replied that there have been "hundreds of people praying” for me; to which the surgeon said "I think it was the chemo". One of the doctors present during surgery visited me and Dan asked her more details. She said that they didn't see any tumour on the ovary and they didn’t have to take any lymph nodes or do anything to other organs. The pathology report did show cancer cells on the inside of the ovaries and fallopian tubes.

My CA 125 level after my fifth chemo treatment was 12 and after I had a sixth chemo treatment it was 8. I had follow-up appointments with my oncologist every 3 months for the first year after finishing my chemotherapy. The second year I saw the oncologist every 6 months and each time my CA125 was either 7 or 8, which is well within the normal range of 0-35. My third year follow-up appointment was a year later. The fourth year before my annual appointment I had CT scans of my chest, abdomen and pelvis to establish a baseline. The results were all clear and my blood tests also came back normal. I had my final fifth year annual appointment in April 2013. As you can imagine I am happy and relieved to be healthy.

 I want to share the possible symptoms of Ovarian Cancer which are:

- Swelling or bloating of the abdomen

- Back or abdominal pain

- Excessive fatigue

- Gas, nausea, indigestion

If any of these symptoms persist for more than 2 to 3 weeks, see your Physician and be persistent in obtaining tests if these symptoms don't go away. As you can realize, these symptoms are very vague; almost every woman has had one or all of them, and that it is why it is called the Whispering Disease.

If you would like more information about Ovarian Cancer please go to this website:
http://www.ovariancanada.org/

Hope - Hanging Onto God with Patient Expectation

When I define hope I usually put it in the context of my faith in God. I may say "I hope so" when something is stated to possibly happen. But the underlying theme is my belief and confidence in God's ability and His sovereignty to accomplish the things I am trusting Him for.

I am learning how to hang onto God more patiently while still maintaining my expectations. God does have a time and a season for everything under the sun. That includes the things I hope for. I may not receive them in the way or form I expected, but my hopes are often realized when I get to the heart of the matter.

God knows my heart and the longings I have - to be known by Him; to be loved by Him; to be accepted by Him. Those are the needs that God addresses and meets. I may long for others to love and accept me, but I can be disappointed at times. That is when I can turn to God and find those needs met.

My greatest longing is to one day see Jesus; to be in God's presence and worship Him forever. That is my constant hope in this life which carries me through when my temporal hopes are not realized.

Alphabetical Farm Memories

Ambitions for growing corn
Bird in the woodstove
Clothes hanging on the long clothesline
Daddy's coming home song that began with "Where is Daddy?"
Eating our meals outside on the picnic table
Forts in the trees
Goat under the front stoop
Hot air balloon landed in our farm field
Ice rink formed by pooled water that froze
Jars of homemade jam, pickles and preserves
Kittens born to our cat Ginger
Long driveway that needed to be plowed often on account of snow drifts as well as snowfalls
Mouse in the kitchen
No water one winter
One hundred acre farm - the fields were rented to a local farmer
Plastic swimming pool for the children
Quiet much of the time
Rural route mailing address
Swing set with an attached slide
Toby, our golden retriever
Using our zucchini harvest in many different ways
Vegetable garden
Woodstove to keep us warm in the winter
X can stand for Christ - Catholic procession up our rural road from one church to another
Young children who were born while we lived on the farm
Zucchinis so big that they were shared

No Other Like Our God...

who can fully satisfy -

"You open your hand and satisfy the desires of every living thing." Psalm 145:16 (NIV)

who can rescue us-

"...the Lord knows how to rescue godly people from their trials..." 2 Peter 2:9 (NLT)
who can calm our fears-

"I prayed to the Lord, and he answered me, freeing me from all my fears. Psalm 34:4 (NLT)

who can help-

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10 (NIV)

who can deliver-

"He will call upon me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him." Psalm 91:10 (NIV)

who can know and understand-

"As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him; for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust." Psalm 103: 13,14 (NIV)

 who can restore-
"And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast." 1Peter 5:10 (NIV)
who can keep-

"To him who is able to keep you from falling and to present you before his glorious presence without fault and with great joy- to the only God our Savior be glory, majesty, power and authority through Jesus Christ our Lord, before all ages, now and forevermore! Amen." Jude 1:24 (NIV)

who can direct-

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will direct your paths." (NLT)

who can counsel-

" You keep on guiding me with your counsel, leading me to a glorious destiny." Psalm 73:24 (NLT)

A Time Apart

I want to continue sharing with you how God recently led me to a time apart for personal study and reflection. These insights and reflections are from my journaling and will be shared in present tense to convey more accurately my thought processes and the promptings of the Holy Spirit.

March 14 2013- "I sense that the reason God does not want me to take part in the next Bible study series is because I need to hear from God what He wants to say to me. I really sense that I am in a gathering, learning and exploring time. I do not know where it will end or what it will look like. God knows what I will do with what I learn; that is for Him to decide. Right now I need to be obedient to His leading for my life. I have to be obedient so He can trust me with the things He will show me and teach me."

March 15 2013 - "I see now that I am in a preparation time for the next phase of my life as an empty nester. I was thinking short-term, but I think that God has some long-term goals in mind for what He wants to do in my life and then how He wants to use me... God leads me on the path of His choosing. I may not want to go there at first because I cannot see where it will lead, but I know Who is leading me. I know God's heart is for me."

March 21 2013 "I was just thinking about spending time with the Lord and I sensed Him saying He wants to spend time with me."

March 25 2013 (I wrote an email to the other Bible study leaders explaining why I was not going to take part and how God was leading me to a time apart) "When I was writing the email my eyes filled with tears and my heart was overwhelmed by the goodness of God in how He is leading me. I could not make this up. I have just experienced first-hand how God orchestrates and leads and guides - even through human vessels. I know that there are changes coming - not just changes for a season, but changes for a lifetime. God is the one who does the transforming. I just have to step out in faith and obedience."