Anxious Thoughts

Last night I couldn't sleep. This is what I wrote in my journal at 3:30 am:

I cannot sleep. I am thinking about losing my hair. I know that it will be rather traumatic when it all falls out and I am bald. I will not only lose my hair from my head, but probably every other strand of hair that is on any part of my body, from the top of my head to my feet. The one benefit is that I won't need to shave my legs; armpits; or pluck my eyebrows; or any lone hair that seems to suddenly appear on my chin.

I will be very much like I was when I was born. I was a bald baby and didn't get hair for several months. My children, on the other hand, were all born with hair, some more than others.

What brought on this recent anxiety is that I tried on some wigs yesterday. I wanted to pick out a wig before I lost my hair. Most of the wigs were "pouffy" and I don't wear my natural hair like that. I was getting a bit discouraged, then the salesperson said that there is a wig that is very similar to my hair texture and not "pouffy". It is a "bob" that is parted on the side and the hair is layered. We needed to order this wig and it won't be in until next week. The name of the style is "Peace".

"And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by men. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full. But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you. And when you pray, do not keep on babbling like pagans, for they think they will be heard because of their many words. Do not be like them, for you Father knows what you need before you ask him". Mtt. 6:5-8 (NIV)

When God Seems Silent

I had been wanting to know what my passion or purpose was. I was wanting to have a specific focus or area that I would be burdened and passionate about. There were areas that I could serve. I could possibly volunteer at Mercy House, but every time I went to fill out the form I couldn't get anywhere; my heart wasn't in it and I didn't feel that this was "it". The Bible Studies were starting up at the Hub and I was going to be able to attend one during the day. There was the opportunity to be a discussion leader for the study. I started to make inquiries, but I was not excited about it.

I found this all strange, here were two opportunities I could use my gifts, talents, abilities and passions and yet I didn't sense a "go forward" from God. It seemed as if God was silent.

I received the answer to the reason for God's silence on these cries of my heart. They were not the things He wanted to answer right now. I needed to focus my attention on healing, health and wholeness and not doing anything ministry wise.

When I received my diagnosis of ovarian cancer I was thankful that God had not answered those cries for a passion and purpose for ministry. I was in no state to even consider such ministry as my time would be focused on undergoing treatment and coming through this time victoriously.

God's word to me during this whole time has been "Wait and Trust". I know that God has good plans plans for my life. I have been encouraged through His word and other people.

"I will not die but live, and will proclaim what the Lord has done". Psalm 118: 17 (NIV)

The Lord Will Watch

The phrase the Lord "will watch over your life" from Psalm 121 stood out to me. What God was impressing on me was that this is not just in the literal sense of keeping me alive.

God will watch over my life - the time I am alive on earth; what I shall do and who I will be; where I shall go and what I shall become; where I have been and how I have been transformed; how I have been a captive and how God has released me from bondage into the glorious freedom He has prepared for me.

"The Lord will keep you from all harm - he will watch over your life; the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore." Psalm 121: 7,8 (NIV)

A Time of Waiting

I think that waiting is one of the hardest things to do.

Wanting
Action/answers
I 
Trust

Total
Rest
Understanding
Submission
Truth

"Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." Psalm 27:14 (NIV)

"I will wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope. My soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning, more than watchmen wait for the morning." Psalm 130: 5,6 (NIV)

"Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him!" Isaiah 30 :18 (NIV)

A Heart of Praise

My heart is overwhelmed with praise to God.

I will praise You Lord with my life.
I will worship You Lord with my mind, body, soul and spirit.
I will contemplate You Lord through my five senses.
I will sing and I will be silent.
I will dance and I will kneel.
I will lift my eyes to heaven.
I will close my eyes in prayer.
I will speak and I will listen.

"It 's who you are and the way you live that count before God. Your worship must engage your spirit in the pursuit of truth. That's the kind of people the Father is out looking for: those who are simply and honestly themselves before him in their worship. God is sheer being itself - Spirit. Those who worship him must do it out of their very being, their spirits, their true selves, in adoration." John 4: 23-24 (MSG)

Friendship

On November 5, 1987 I wrote:

"Father, what are friends?... Are they people that you share a bit of yourself with along life's journey? Someone to keep step with for a part of the way until we take separate paths? Is there such a thing as a forever friend? One who will always be there to offer an encouraging word?

Lord, please help me to be a true friend to others. What is a true friend? Is it someone who is trustworthy; who will keep a confidence; believe the best and disregard the worst? Is it someone who will love me enough to correct me when I am wrong and then forgive me?

Lord, I have had so many friends throughout my life. Thank you for those special people whose lives have touched mine. I pray that when others look back on their friendship with me they will have happy memories too."


Faithful
Reliable
Interested
Enduring
Natural
Dependable
Sensitive
Helpful
Involved
Prayerful

Five Things That I Love About Jesus

I have been "tagged" by Belinda, http://www.whateverhesays.blogspot.com/, to write about Five Things I Love About Jesus.

1) I love that Jesus is the same yesterday, today and forever. (Hebrews 13:8) He has no beginning or ending and He transcends all time and fads. I know that He is constant. He is never behind the times or out of style.

2) I love that Jesus is a caring High Priest who sympathizes with our weaknesses. ( Hebrews 4: 14 - 16) I have confidence I can approach Him in my times of need. Jesus has faced every type of temptation and struggle that I will ever face, yet He was without sin.

3) I love that Jesus died so that I could be reconciled to God. (Romans 5: 8- 11) I don't have to depend on my efforts to try to reach God.

4) I love the diversity and creativity of Jesus; for example His methods of teaching and healing. Jesus identified the heart issues and ministered accordingly. How He ministers to me is unique to my heart issues as well.

5) I love that Jesus had friends who He loved while He was on earth; for example Mary, Martha, Lazarus and John. It is through Jesus' relationships with His friends and others that I can gain insight on how to treat others.